Text Message Database

If you want to learn how to use this database most effectively, check out the forum. Let the guys dissect your text conversations for you and tell you what to say next! Check it out at http://manwhore.org/forum 

See you there!

Here is my current funny sms and flirty text database for you guys to search and use for your own romantic (and not so romantic ;b) sms messaging!


Fun Ones

“A survey stated that 99% of all homos check their messages with their thumbs. Don’t try to change now you HOMO!”

“Aliens are coming to abduct all the good looking sexy ass people! You will be safe, I’m just texting to say goodbye”

“Today is day of the disabled. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I did. Hang in there Sunshine. You are fucking special”

Today is National Good-Looking Person day. Send this to someone gorgeous. Don’t send it back to me. I’ve received fucking hundreds.

In 2009 the U.S. Gov. will start shipping retards away. I started crying when I thought of you. Be strong. Wear your helmet and run like hell champ!

Did you know, If you watch Rambo in reverse Sylvester Stallone heals people with his magic bullet vacuum 🙂

Tag! You’re mine! Today is National CLAIM A RETARD DAY. So you’re my retard, Hurry and tag as many as u can! No tagbacks..

“Black Panther Sex Cologne: 60% of the time, it works.. EVERY TIME

I had a check up 2 day. I tested positive 4 sexy. Im allergic 2 haters. My blood type is baller- and This is why Im hot. Just thought u should know

In the morning I do not eat because I think of you, at noon I do not eat because I think of you, in the evening I do not eat because I think of you, at night I do not sleep because I am hungry.

Someday u may lose ur hair.u may lose ur teeth- ur money & even lose ur mind.But 1 thing u will never loose is ur good looks. cuz u cant lose what u don’t have!

I had a wet dream about you last night …. I pissed myself laughing when you fell of a cliff!

When I look at the sun i c u! when I look at the moon I c u! when I look at the sea I c u… well get out of my way!

Hey goof, I bet my weekend can beat up your weekend.

I just made you open your phone for no reason…looks like I got you in check =]


I just don’t think we should do this anymore…Sometimes you make me feel like I am just a piece of meat.

“for what?” “what did i do?” “why?”
“i was just thinking of u. congratulations =)”

“Who is this?”
[girls name]
“I know…I’m just being an ass ”

“Hey don’t say anything but guess who’s still together after all the shit between them? ur buttcheeks!”

Ur riding a horse full speed, a giraffe beside you, an elephant in front.. a snarling lion right behind you. What do u do? …Get your drunk ass off the damn carousel!

“I don’t care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself… You hang in there sunshine, you’re friggin special.”

my name must taste good, cuz its always in somebodys mouth

Awww, you’re so sweet. You’re making me get diabetes.

Remember guys tomorrow is “Hug a retard” day…So don’t freak out like you did last year, NO ONE IS TRYING TO HURT YOU!

In 2009 the government will start killing all mentally challenged people. I started crying when I thought about you. Run little buddy run!

If quizzes are quizzical… what are tests?

Everytime I see u, I smile. When u walk, I laugh. When u speak, I get excited. For some reason, retarded people amuse the hell out of me!

I miss you & wanna see u, but this dumb security guard won’t let me in the zoo. Is there any way u can escape?

A train is about to crash! A frantic virgin strips off and says “can anyone make me feel like a woman before I die?!” So a man takes off his clothes & says, “iron these!”

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“Hey what’s up. I just ran into someone you used to fuck around with. They told me they recently got diagnosed with HIV. But don’t worry.. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!”

If I told you you had a hot body.. would you hold it against me?

“tonite i wanna go down on u & make u extremely happy. then come back up slowly & fuck u real good. yours truly, gas prices”

“i cant live without u. im dying 2 feel u at nite. sweat is drippin down my body. i want u. i need u. come on stupid air conditioner work!

Little Girl: “Mommy, I just found out that the little boy next door has a penis like a peanut.” Mommy: “You mean it’s small?” Little Girl: “No, it’s salty”

Sexual Position “69” has ben changed to 96… due to inflation. The cost of eating out has gone up : )

Have you heard about the new medication doctors are giving depressed lesbians? It’s called trydicagain.

A teacher asked, “what part of the body goes to heaven first?” A child replied, “feet- coz every nite i see my mum with her feet in the air screamin, GOD I’M COMIN!”

I am luring girls to my house with candy, which do you prefer skittles or M&M’s?

I asked santa for a puppy, I got 3, asked for a dollar, I got $10, I asked for a ho, and I got this number

A lil boy walked past his parents bedroom door, looked in the keyhole and said “and that bitch gets made when I suck my thumb!”

“Hey ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic..? Just look at ur driver’s license..”

“Hey come to the bathroom with me.. the doctor says I shouldn’t lift anything heavy..”

I was nervous at first, it was big & long & went straight up, I had to try it… i eased myself onto it & i liked it! I went up & down on it, I love escalators now

From the moment I saw u, I wanted to be inside u, I love ur smell, the way ur tongue feels, the way u tighten and loosen mmmmmmmmmmmmm…………..NEW SHOES!!!!!!!!!!

(S)he came 2 me 1 nite… explored my body… licked- sucked- swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… DAMN MOSQUITO

In the morning I do not eat because I think of you, at noon I do not eat because I think of you, in the evening I do not eat because I think of you, at night I do not sleep because I am hungry.

It goes in dry it comes out wet. The longer its in the stronger it gets. We can have it in bed just you and me…its not what you think its a cup of tea!

Last nite i wanted u. needed u so badly that it hurt. wanted 2 taste u. I wanted u in me so u could work ur magic on me…but i couldnt find u. u stupid.. Tylenol!

At first a little nibble- a slow & temptin lick. i suck & munch my liquid lunch & then I swallow quick! CADBURYS CREAM EGG HOW DO U EAT URS?

Tell me. is it going in?..yeah .. is it hurting?..ooh yeah ..ouch its hurting ..ok i will put it in slowly ..still hurting.. ahh yeh ..then lets try the other shoe madam

Last nite I couldnt sleep. I wanted u warm against my skin. I wanted u on me. I wanted 2 feel u all over my body.. but i couldnt find u! Where did I put my PAJAMAS?

I luv the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh creating a creamy foamy liquid, as I thrust in & out up & down, can’t wait till next time I LUV MY TOOTHBRUSH

come here. take off ur pants and get on top of me….enjoy me until ur totally satisfied lovingly urs TOILET!!!!

chicken and egg in bed,chicken has head on pillow smoking.Egg rolls over annoyed saying”i guess we answered that question”

A condom tells a tampon “u always stop my business 4 a week!” The tampon says, “Yeah but when u fuck up I lose my job!”

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jack “fell down” on top of Jill and now they have a daughter

“Hey is too early for casual text? I mean we barely know each other… maybe we should wait :p”

Is it too early for casual texts? what about group texts

Some fucker was talking shit about u, saying u eat dick sandwiches, but i got ur back, i told him u dont even like bread!!!

You: Do you know why you suck?
HB: No, why?
You: because I tell you to. Bam!

Negative Vibe

How is it that you can sue cigarette co. for cancer and McDonalds for gettin’ fat but not Budweiser for all the ugly people you fuck?


“CNN BREAKING NEWS: All the women in Iraq have shaved their pussy’s in protest of the war. Their message 2 the world is READ OUR LIPS, NO MORE BUSH”

“Come to my house… Lets torture my penis by putting a plastic bag around his head, shove it in a dark tunnel and make it do push ups till he throws up!”

heard you got robbed last night and the thief gave u two choices:
1 – give him your phone
2 – suck his dick

I see you still got your phone 😉

“Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed, Little Bo Peep was giving him head, as soon as he came she started to weep, she knew by the taste he’d been fucking her sheep”

“The 10th Annual Penis Sucking contest is Friday. We are asking that you not participate so someone ELSE can win this year!!”

If two people are having sex and the girl is on top and her pussy stinks.. does that mean she’s riding Dirty?

“This is a breathalizer test. Please blow in the phone…..
Result: Positive 90% for sperm breath”

The Post Office sent out a new stamp today with a woman’s pussy on it! It’s causing a lot of confusion.. muthafuckas don’t know which side to lick

Today’s chinese buffet menu: Chu sum twat, Suk mi cock, Lik sum clit, Tung sum ho, Gulp sum cum & Cho kon it! Tank u cum again

Cheap pregnancy test: Insert banana into vagina, leave in 30 secs & remove. If 1/2 the banana is eaten, another muthafucker’s in there

What’s wrong with ur phone? Everytime I call it says “The subscriber ur tryin 2 reach is currently Giving Head. Please try again.”

I’m SO FUCKING PISSED! I lost 3 hoes today, 1 at the strip club, 1 at the corner, and WHERE THE FUCK R U?

Mexican Word of the Day:

Mexican word: Bishop,
We went to the movies and Lupe fell down and I had to pick the bishop!!

Mexican word of the day: “WHEELCHAIR” – My homie was downing a 40, when I told him “Hey fool! Wheres mines?” He told me “Dont trip, WHEELCHAIR!”

Mexican word of the day is: MUSHROOM,:
Orale vato, when me and my whole family get in the car, there’s not too “MUSHROOM”!!

Mexican word of da day “July”. Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!!!

Mexican Word for the day is : CHICKEN:
My wife wanted me to go to the store for her, pero “CHICKEN” go herself.

Mexican Word of the Day: WAFER:
I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn’t wafer me.

Mexican word of the day is: July:
You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!

Mexican Word for the day is : Liver and Cheese:
Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told him “orale loco liver alone cheese mines”

Mexican word of the day: injure:
Me and my jefe were playin poker and he beat me… he said injure face cabron!!

Mexican word of the day: JUICY
Hey vato tell me if juicy the cops.

Mexican word of the day: JUPITER
My kids were acting stupid so I told ’em, “Jupiter behave or I’m gonna take my chancla off!”

Mexican word of the day: CHOPPING
Me and my vieja just got our income tax so we’re going chopping!

Mexican word of the day: BUTTER and LETTUCE
I wanna marry my ruca butter parents won’t lettuce!

Mexican word of the day: INJURE
We were playing poker and my jefe won and told me: “injure face ese!”

Mexican word of the day: BODYWASH
I can’t go to the cantina tonight cuz no bodywash my kids.

Mexican word of the day: CHILE
Hey vato I asked my vieja to let me go to the pachanga and chile me go!

Mexican word of the day: Feces…
I’ve been standing all day, and my feces hurt

Mexican word of the day: Texas
My ruca always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at.

Mexican word of the day: Rectum
I got 2 cars but not anymore because my wife rectum.

Mexican word of the day: Cashew
I tried running after you but I couldn’t cashew!

Mexican word of the day: Cheese
My girlfriend wants me to get her pregnant pero cheese crazy!

Mexican word of the day: “BUDWEISER”.
Your chicas ASS is so fine homes, BUDWEISER face so Ugly!?

Mexican word of the day: Sodas
My veija sucks dick and sodas her brother

Mexican word of the day: Defense
La migra chase me cause i jump defense!!

Mexican Word of the day…

Mexican word of the day: MUSHROOM
When all my familia gets in the car, there is not mushroom.

Mexican word of the day: JUANA
I just bought some real hot chile salsa. Juana try it?

Mexican word of the day: Chinos
My old lady thinks chinos everything, but chinos nothing ey!

Mexican word of the day is: Brief
My homie farted bad that I couldn’t brief.

Mexican word of the day is: Cashew
I tried running after you but I couldn’t cashew!

Mexican Word of the Day: WAFER
I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn’t wafer me.

Mexican word of the day: “BUDWEISER”. Your chicas ASS is so fine homes, BUDWEISER face so Ugly!?

Black Word of the Day:

Im tired of the mexican word of the day.. So Im going black. Black word of the day: “HOTELS” I aint telling Keisha nothing cuz that HOTELS everybody!


“If the Indians would have killed a cat instead of a turkey we would all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving..”

Christmas is CANCELLED. Apparently u told Santa u were good.. in bed-and he DIED LAUGHING. Thanks a lot fuckin liar!

Why is santa always happy?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What do female reindeers do after xmas?
They go out and blow a few bucks

Text Conversational Pieces

Girl player here brought over a 12 pack of beer one time for our day2. We had sex. Then she did it again. I thought I should pay her back or offer to get it the next time. But I thought about it. Why would I mess up a good thing? This works, she’s obviously impressed enough with me to want to buy me beer and hang out- she even orders pizza sometimes. Why should I change the social dynamic here. The answer is I shouldn’t. However, below is her 4th or 5th trip over..

The Girl: How about if u buy the beer for once since i’m @ work and i always get it.
The Man: I dunno.. that might be setting a dangerous precedent
The Girl: Oh come on. You can’t do it just once? I have been so generous when it comes to getting beer. WHy can’t u? R u that anal? Lol.
The Man: Fine.. If I can’t be anal about the beer then I have to be anal about something else, like your butthole. Ooh that’s gonna hurt- I’ve seen it it’s tiny

The Girl: Do u prefer thongs or those ‘shorts’ type underwear?
The Man: I like both. Don’t worry I bet you’ll look amazing in both. If you don’t I’ll just send you home
The Girl: Haha very funny. I’m about to go underwear shopping in a few minutes so i figured i’d ask

She knows I’m halfway serious too. She came over a few nights ago wearing work-out pants and a pullover. I threw a fucking fit. She never came over lookin’ scrub again.
I called up another girl I’m kinda seeing just to tell her what was going on. So I made it a learning point for someone else too 😉

Shorty: Is there a “dairy queen” around here? I want a milkshake.
Shorty Killer: You want a milkshake? Forget Dairy Queen- I got a milkshake for you
Shorty: Lol. I am all about a milkshake from u… As long as i don’t choke on it.

Hey. I just wanted to see if i was able to go to ur house w/out having sex with u. Cuz i like u, and i just wanted to see if we could hang w/out it
“Oh.. I knew EXACTLY what you were doing..” No explanation, no defense of my actions, no nothing. Let her wonder..
An hour or two later.. “Do u have any plans for xmas eve or xmas day yet?”
Actually no. Why were you going to wrap yourself in a bow for me..?
Lol, yeah. What kind of liquor goes in egg nog? Is it rum
“Cuz i work xmas eve till 7, then we’re closed xmas day. So if u want to play reindeer games w/me, let me know. wink
“Hey.. If some fat man grabs you and throws you in a bag with 2 other girls in it- don’t worry, I told Santa all I wanted for Christmas was you.. plus two”
“Maybe, if i could find another girl worthy of my body, we’ll be able to soothe ur chestnuts roasting by an open fire.”

Cheap pregnancy test: Insert banana into vagina, leave in 30 secs & remove. If 1/2 the banana is eaten, another muthafucker’s in there
Haha…when are u getting ur ass here
You might get my dick. I’m not giving you my ass
Lol…haha your funny……..NOT!
And only half… I don’t want you getting adDICKted
Please.. I’m gonna make you come till yer just a wet mess. Then I’m going to fuck you
Lol…fucker…i don’t think that would happen
Yeah. You’re right. I just want to be friends.
But uh but but…why
Because you stutter. Like a little hamster. I don’t want little bite marks all over my body
Aww…that makes me kinda sad
Well I don’t want you sad. I might do you then
Ok obviously you’re not sad. I’ve changed my mind
You suck
Are you going to ask nicely..
Not on my knees but yeah maybe
Examples hunny.. I gotta make a decision here. Do it
Ill make you dinner…naked…then whatever you decide from there
Make sure there’s lots of onions.. so you cry while you’re cooking my dinner. I think I’ll tie you up and lay you on the table afterwards. I’ll eat while I watch you wiggle around
Hmmm…you are freaky. Likes it. So when is your “dick” gonna be here?
Could be soon.. maybe not. Send me pics of your body and I’ll think about coming down sooner
(Sends me several naked shots. HOT! Gawdamn)
Well..maybe you won’t need to cook me dinner after all. Looks like it’s pre-made. Nah fuck that.. I want a steak
Give me a second I’m still reviewing. Yes sexy. Mmm..sultry. But you were always sultry.. I want to see how you act with a dick in you. Mine
Lol…which ones your fav? Sultry huh? You never told me that
Sultry and reserved. You had this “untouchable” vibe. You were very alluring. Make sure you keep it. Don’t let someone make you think that you have to act like something you’re not. I don’t know which one’s my fav.
You are so sweet sometimes…thank you. Lol…So do i still have to make dinner?
Yes. And since you actually had the nerve to ask we’ll be going grocery shopping. You’ll be wearing a skirt with no panties
I never wear panties…lol
..you won’t be wearing any that day either
Is that a threat…

“It goes in dry it comes out wet.the longer its in the stronger it gets.we can have it in bed just you and me. what is it?”

“lol what the hell where did u get this from?”

“you suck at riddles ginseng, its a cup of tea.”

“yeah i do suck. tell me antha one ill use my brain this time not my dirty thoughts.”

“i didnt get it all send it again!” (mother fucker…)

“i dont know.. a cock? hehe”

“new shoes! you really need practice, ill give you one more. “Last nite i wantd u.needed u so badly.. that it hurt. wantd to taste you and play with you with my tongue. i wanted you to work your magic on me” what am i thinking of?

Me: Boing. Boing. Lick.
Her: -laughs- you are so naughty
Me: Noo. It’s just a rabbit with a lollipop 🙂 Get your mind out of the gutter
Her: Haha! You got me there!

Rules/Guidelines to Follow When Using These:

There are some rules you should follow when applying these text examples. First and foremost understand these do not replace conversation. They do serve a great purpose- but do not fall into entertainer monkey mode, or forget to escalate. Some more general rules to follow:

  1. -These texts are good for REENGAGING, not for regular conversation or banter with a girl.  Do not overdo these they will be fun at first and then get old quick.  (read this whole thread- all 9 or so pages have more and more text examples)
  2. -Do not misspell.  Know the difference between your and you’re.  Unless you have a unique style (I use a lot of yer- personally I don’t like ur).
  3. -Be unconcerned and relaxed, if she gives you shit over a certain text just laugh and tease her.
  4. -Some of the hottest most socially intune girls.. speak gibberish.  You don’t need to make sense, or CARE if she understands your texts or not.  It’s perceived as higher value to not be too concerned about it unless you’re setting up logistics or it really IS important she understands what’s going on.
  5. -Don’t send more than one of these every couple days.  You don’t want to turn into dancing monkey, or creeper text guy that can ONLY send one-liners and can’t actually talk with a girl.  That being said the main part of text game is REENGAGEMENT text game.  You need to become adept at reengaging girls thru text in fun non-needy ways.  Once you have this down you will be a textgame master and can date girls at will simply thru text game.  I wll drop a NUKE BOMB as the first text to a new girl.  It will be based on “call-back humor”.  Basically I will spin something we discussed into something funny and shoot it to her.  This is sink-or-swim part of text game and “Follow Up” game in general.  If you can’t engage her with your first text it will be much harder to do so later.  That being said if a girl doesn’t respond to my texts I will call her and leave a voicemail.  Listening to my voice will let her know I’m awesome, calm, and she can talk to me over text or phone just for casual kicks and not have to feel constrained by having to meet my expectations about anything.  E.g. I’m not needy.

Example of initial text to girl based on call-back humor:
(We’d discussed the name of the street she lived on when I met her on the NYC subway)
You would have a very awesome pornstar name living on cowboy lane (pornstar name is a derivative of your last name and street you live on)
Like…Giddy up Go Go Boots? (DONE.)


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