Laid..! 3 1/2 Minutes on the Clock
April 1, 2012
I want to begin this particular lay report with a disclaimer. This particular girl is definitely not what most guys come into the dating community hoping to hook up with or have a relationship with. She’s not exactly a good girl or even a nice person for the most part, and honestly any guy trying to come up with ways or techniques to control this kind of girl is not really going down a healthy path.
That being said it was at times enjoyable and the girl is definitely good looking. Latina/italian mix, fake tits, Las Vegas bartender, pretty much your typical she-wolf. I would never pursue any kind of relationship with her.
Anyways I met this girl out at a bar and got a quick # off her. We were flirty and somewhat touchy but there wasn’t anything really special about the first part of the interaction.. I did my somewhat typical # close where I asked her questions about what she liked (to do) and she said “Yes I like scary movies!” So I was like ok fuck ya we’ll go see a scary movie.
Anyways I sent her an initial text she didn’t respond to, and then another she didn’t respond to.. and then boom 2 weeks later I sent her a text and she responded to it like we’d just met the night before. Maybe she was dealing with a breakup I don’t know. I do want to make note of the fact that when I take a girl’s # I WRITE NOTES in my phone about her, next to her name, so I am reminded of who she is and it even makes for great conversation later. In this instance I’d written in she was italian/latina and her age so I made a joke about her lying about her age and that all half-mix mutts do that. She laughed and said we needed to meet up. Yay me. Except no she did NOT meet up lol. It turned into a text game that lasted THREE MONTHS before she finally came out to meet me. I had tried everything I could think of to get this girl out and it didn’t work, and I finally even went full sexual with her just as a last resort/fuck it type scenario, (which I usually don’t do because it puts way too much expectation on the meetup and a lot of girls bail. That being said though, I break down exactly how to sext in my article on sexting!
But this actually did the trick! Apparently she just wanted to make sure I wasn’t a pussy and I was a guy who would actually lay it down and not waste her time. Not sure, but it was DEFINITELY a precursor to the bullshit that ended up going down.. and it wasn’t even a proper meetup; she brought her square-shaped bulldog mean-tempered friend and another girl who was a bit sweeter but still not anything at all special. She even qualified the meetup over text beforehand that it was really about getting her large friend laid. Uggh. This girl probably couldn’t get laid on an Army base- her temperament and demeanor were awful. She even had a ring in her nose to make herself look more bullish.
So the girls show up to my house and I’ve told my two buddies I’ve got girls for them and to hang out for a bit. Well these girls show up and it’s like.. Wtf Manwhore you said you had girls.. what are these??! Lol. So yes one buddy really bit the bullet and fell on his sword to wing the bulldog while Brian chatted up the cute friend. My first buddy did an amazing job, practically hypnotizing the bull dog with facts about the universe and how drugs open up your mind to the cosmos. I’d like to say again that the only reason why I’m talking so disparagingly about the overweight friend is because she genuinely is not a good person lol.
But anyways.. I had major issues from the get go. My girl was apparently bored from the beginning and was constantly texting other guys on her phone, and even stepped outside to make a phonecall to another guy, at which point I said hold the fuck on, and followed her outside where she quickly got off the phone. The thing is is this girl didn’t even care how rude she was being, or inconsiderate, or the fact she was at someone’s house on their time. Complete bitch to be honest, she just sat on her bar stool and texted away, had a couple drinks and just sat there. I’d come in on her all physical and flirty, etc., but her behavior was so bad I wasn’t really compelled to go too deep with this girl. In fact this first part of the whole thing kind of sucked for me. It’s at times like this that some guys will go full reactive, or lose their cool, or start to doubt themselves. I didn’t do any of this I was simply chillin’ and biding my time and creating opportunities and windows whenever I could. I would pull her in against me and she’d seem to enjoy this but then a friend would say something or her ADD would kick in and she’d be off doing something else. Was pretty ridiculous. I couldn’t get anywhere with her, get compliance from her, take her anywhere aside from the bar to make a drink, and definitely couldn’t bring her to my room.
Anyways the girls start talking about leaving or going to a bar. To make this happen I knew I needed to actually leave my place and venue change or I’d lose the situation. It seems a bit strange to have to backtrack with girls to move forward (e.g. you’re supposed to want to BRING them home, not actually leave it), but in this particular situation it was definitely warranted. We needed to move the girls around, get them off their lil sour puss mental/emotional track, vibe and have some more fun together, and possibly have a chance at splitting them up so it wouldn’t be a whole mass of female distemper. So we decide to walk to our neighborhood bar. I tell the girls to wear their flats instead of their high heels (they’d brought both) and at this they got suspicious and asked how far it was. We lied and said two blocks when it was actually more like 5 blocks. On the way there they got a bit pissy about how far it was and started bitching, not that they weren’t ALREADY bitching, they just had something new to bitch about. Anyways we walk inside and everything’s good. I finally get some fucking alone time with my girl at the bar and I start whispering funny shit in her ear and she starts to relax and get flirty and we end up having a good time. I amuse the bulldog for a bit, and she ends up relaxing as well. I start coming up with pet names for my girl and she comes up with Douchelord for me.. which is actually a pretty tight name. I say “hell ya I’m douchelord I’ll make your lil panties quiver.” She says “Ya right I bet you have no idea what you’re doing.” I respond “Girl it’ll be the best 3 1/2 minutes of your life.” She laughs her ass off and we get a bit cozier. I reach over and knock bulldog’s glass of wine all over her purse (oops). I just kind of look at it, look at her, and then calmly grab napkins and start sopping it up. My calm almost lazy demeanor prevents her from going nuts over the incident.
By this point Brian has taken his girl over to another corner of the bar and she’s fallen majorly in love with him, which is prone to happen as it’s fucking Brian we’re talking about here. I’m with my girl and my other buddy has finally fallen into silence as he doesn’t need to entertain the bulldog anymore and can have some rest. Which means she gets bored and restless and decides to leave and bring the girls with her. She announces matter-of-factly that the girls are going to leave at 11:30 and at first I assume I’ve got some time and it’s actually a GOOD thing because it’s going to force us to go back home to where their car is located and I can drag this girl into my room finally. But then I look at my phone and realize it’s 11:20! This dumb ho is saying they’re leaving in 10 MINUTES. I told you this bitch was a fucking bitch. She’s totally trying to take her friends and ditch her girl’s date. So fucking disrespectful. Anyways.. I realize it’s go time and I make some moves, I tell honeybunches we’re getting a taxi and to get ready. I call one and then tell Brian what’s up and that we have to go. Brian’s girl wants to stay at the bar with him and actually ditch her friends lol (Brian is so damn good. Here’s his site badassdating.com), but my girl is having NONE of this and starts yelling at her to go. Bulldog pulls me aside and says “You better manage this or it’s going to get really bad.” Her making this comment to me tells me SO many things. First of all it says she knows I’m a boss and handle my shit, and it also means that she knew I was managing a date/lay scenario with her friend, and was cockblocking me on purpose. Fucking turd. And thirdly she’s seen this before and I actually do need to step in here before it gets out of control.
And yes it almost does go defcon 4. My girl starts screaming at the other girl who’s talking to Brian and wants to stay. Apparently they’ve got some kind of love/hate relationship going on, or they like calling each other out on “slutty” behavior. It’s a well-known fact that girls judge each other, but I’d say it’s absolutely fucking abnormal when two “friends” do it to each other and somehow enjoy it. A mutually self-perpetuating shit show of bickering and judging each other. Anyways I grab my girl tell the other one that Brian is coming back to the pad and to get in the taxi. My two roomies actually decide to stay at the bar, apparently Brian has invested all this time and doesn’t even LIKE the girl that much lol, so I take the taxi back with all 3 girls and make my girl pay for it. We get out of the taxi, bulldog is trying to remember where her truck is, and I pick my girl up and run off with her up my stairs and into my apartment. Bulldog can’t run as fast as I can carrying her friend. I carry her right into my bedroom and plop her down on my bed and lay on top of her, kissing her for a bit. If I need to make it clear, this girl is SUPER jaded. She barely gives a fuck this is going down. She says to me, “ok you have 3 1/2 minutes.” I’m thinking.. wtf, but I don’t say anything and keep nuzzling her. I laugh, she says, ok now you have 3 minutes. Apparently there’s a timer counting down in her head. It’s a bit fast by my reckoning. I look at her a bit skeptical and I say something I forget at which point she says, “Ok you have less than 2 minutes now.” It finally registers this bitch is serious. I look at her looking up at me matter-of-factly, and I just start tearing down her jeans. Her eyes go slightly bug-eyed with the apparently sheer ballsiness of it (wasn’t a big deal to me at all 😉 ). She lays there and then gets into it as well and slides down her panties while I take my cock out and pull out a condom. She has a cute little vagina and I wish I could have taken my time here but apparently this girl is playing games. So I put the condom on and just shove it in her. She likes it and it’s a good time ;). I slide her shirt up and take out her breasts, watch them bounce around as I plow her. About 30 seconds later I pull out and go to rearrange her and she sits up, says “ok 3 minutes are up!” and slides off the bed. I say “uh excuse me?” and start to pull her back down but she twists out and runs out my bedroom door. Stupid ass girl *facepalm*. I think she was just making a point but still it was dumb of her even from her perspective. I think she was trying to tool me but honestly I gave about 10% of a fuck.
So we both head out into the living room and the two friends are inside except bulldog tells us there’s a slight delay from them leaving. I walk up behind her and put my arms on her waist and she gets subtly excited as she realizes she’s got more time to get banged. But karma is an absolute bitch, and as I pick her up in my arms and start to carry her off to my room, her friend that she’d so effectively cockblocked earlier starts shouting and saying “Oh hell no you’re not going back there.” I can literally see the “oh fuck she got me” look pass across her face. I set her down and just think “fuck you” to this entire situation. I walk them outside for a bit and meet my buddies on the way back. We drink more and have a bro’s night at XS. Pretty sure Brian met someone else he banged instead.
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