Well I just had my first epiphane in a while
Wed, 03/27/2013 - 05:28
So I would say I'm a relatively wise kid for my age but there's always shit that creeps in the backdoor and kinda catches you by surprise- which is just another benefit of meditating... every so often a thought just POPS into your head and without clinging to it, you just recognize it for what it is and you go, "wow... I can't believe that's still in there"
This one took me by surprise and I actually teared up a bit before I regained my center and let it sit there, while I watched it, tears streaming from my eyes. That's the beauty of meditation... you can sit, completely still, tears rolling down your face, as you confront some of your deepest fears- shit that you're so ashamed of, so petrified of, that not only do you not talk about it with others but you bury it within yourself.
Sitting on my cushion tonight, I waged my own private war and came out stronger for it. The effects of it are still with me. My body is drained. Calling it a "war" is slightly misleading, it's more a willingness to sit in the middle of the battleground, a rock- you and your cushion- a willingness to sit admist your deepest, most buried fears and insecurities, with the courage to go to the very places that the majority of people run away from their entire lives- instead, we sit there and let it pass by, as we watch.
I realized tonight, that I have a lot of shame surrounding my own ability to succeed. Fears of both success and failure that are tied to a deep-rooted shame in my own desires.
In short- Ever since highschool, I have been ashamed of the part of me that wants to succeed. I have been ashamed of the part of me that has goals, ambitions and aggressively attacks those goals.
Confronting this shame was incredible. It was one of the most "light" feelings I've had in a long time and the truth of the matter is that this is just the tip of the iceberg- in the coming months, there will be a period of decompressing this and letting it run its course but the amazing part is that I've finally opened that gate.
Tonight I let go of a very deeply buried story. I said goodbye to a part of myself that has held me back. It feels good man.
Not sure there is much that anyone else can get from this, except to say- don't be ashamed of ANY aspect of who you are. Let the entirety of who you are come through and absolutely refuse to compromise any aspect of your personality because you will end up being incongruent and unhappy.
This one took me by surprise and I actually teared up a bit before I regained my center and let it sit there, while I watched it, tears streaming from my eyes. That's the beauty of meditation... you can sit, completely still, tears rolling down your face, as you confront some of your deepest fears- shit that you're so ashamed of, so petrified of, that not only do you not talk about it with others but you bury it within yourself.
Sitting on my cushion tonight, I waged my own private war and came out stronger for it. The effects of it are still with me. My body is drained. Calling it a "war" is slightly misleading, it's more a willingness to sit in the middle of the battleground, a rock- you and your cushion- a willingness to sit admist your deepest, most buried fears and insecurities, with the courage to go to the very places that the majority of people run away from their entire lives- instead, we sit there and let it pass by, as we watch.
I realized tonight, that I have a lot of shame surrounding my own ability to succeed. Fears of both success and failure that are tied to a deep-rooted shame in my own desires.
In short- Ever since highschool, I have been ashamed of the part of me that wants to succeed. I have been ashamed of the part of me that has goals, ambitions and aggressively attacks those goals.
Confronting this shame was incredible. It was one of the most "light" feelings I've had in a long time and the truth of the matter is that this is just the tip of the iceberg- in the coming months, there will be a period of decompressing this and letting it run its course but the amazing part is that I've finally opened that gate.
Tonight I let go of a very deeply buried story. I said goodbye to a part of myself that has held me back. It feels good man.
Not sure there is much that anyone else can get from this, except to say- don't be ashamed of ANY aspect of who you are. Let the entirety of who you are come through and absolutely refuse to compromise any aspect of your personality because you will end up being incongruent and unhappy.
Wed, 03/27/2013 - 07:49
#1
Lol that fucking shame man...
Lol that fucking shame man... I know exactly where you're coming from. I started hardcore self improvement/game when I was 15 years old... went through all the angst bullshit and came out of it relatively normal. Now I'm 18 and still recognize hardcore 'youthful' ignorance in myself and just figure that part will get better with age. but the one common trend is this "I have it better than anyone. I'm so young, great work ethic, relatively healthy, didn't let drugs completely take over my life, good job, won't be dependent on parents for long.... but who the fuck am I to use all of my advantages to advance myself and not others." shame. shame. shame. but thats just the thing, its even more shameful to TRY and help others when your own selfish ambition couldn't even take you to the top.
Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:52
#2
haha nice man- you're only
haha nice man- you're only 18? Wouldn't have guessed. But yeah, everyone goes through their own shit and comes out better for it.
I think what was interesting about this is that it actually had very little to do with helping others, this time around. It was just like purely internal hatred- which is even weirder because it's like you get to a certain point with shit and you kinda just assume all of that's gone but I suppose there are just different levels to everything.
Like believing that there is something inherently wrong with yourself and because of this, you don't deserve to have goals- that's some fucked up shit lol
But what you said is really true- being only 18, you def. have it great man- and here I was feeling super grateful that at 23 I'm realizing a lot of this shit. Keep at it bro
I think what was interesting about this is that it actually had very little to do with helping others, this time around. It was just like purely internal hatred- which is even weirder because it's like you get to a certain point with shit and you kinda just assume all of that's gone but I suppose there are just different levels to everything.
Like believing that there is something inherently wrong with yourself and because of this, you don't deserve to have goals- that's some fucked up shit lol
But what you said is really true- being only 18, you def. have it great man- and here I was feeling super grateful that at 23 I'm realizing a lot of this shit. Keep at it bro
Wed, 03/27/2013 - 13:35
#3
That's crazy dude, where do
That's crazy dude, where do you think that came from? It's amazing the kinds of stuff that gets buried in there.
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Wed, 03/27/2013 - 20:29
#4
External Pressures mixed in
External Pressures mixed in with my ego response
The root of the whole thing goes all the way back to when I was like 9 years old though (that's the earliest thought i've had so far- might be even earlier) pretty gnarly.
Shame is actually a very deeply rooted emotion, in that most of the time, the root causes of it are from VERY EARLY in your life (some studies show that shame can begin developing as early as 1-2 years after birth) which also accounts for part of the reason why it's one of those emotions//issues that is the hardest to chip away at because it takes a while to get all the way back there.
We seriously surround this shit with walls and you just gotta be relentless like water and just continuously brush up against those walls until they come crashing down.
The root of the whole thing goes all the way back to when I was like 9 years old though (that's the earliest thought i've had so far- might be even earlier) pretty gnarly.
Shame is actually a very deeply rooted emotion, in that most of the time, the root causes of it are from VERY EARLY in your life (some studies show that shame can begin developing as early as 1-2 years after birth) which also accounts for part of the reason why it's one of those emotions//issues that is the hardest to chip away at because it takes a while to get all the way back there.
We seriously surround this shit with walls and you just gotta be relentless like water and just continuously brush up against those walls until they come crashing down.
Wed, 03/27/2013 - 21:43
#5
I get what you mean by the
I get what you mean by the very early development of shame. Growing up mormon FUCKED me up in this regard and I have to constantly remind myself not to blame the people who indoctrinated me with all this stuff. As a kid (6-10) I was a completely sexual being... getting girls to strip for me, macking ect... Ofc that is WAY early for that type of behavior but because of that (or anything I ever did bad) I was always taught to feel terrible about it.
At church they'd tell us all these things and how terrible it was to do them, people judged me, my parents raised me with the SOLE goal of preventing me of having sex with girls. They'd rather I smoke weed and drink than have sex. So growing up I hated myself. Like... I don't think I'll live to be an adult type of hate. I always was such a motivated kid too. Taught myself html when I was 8. Made money online completely by myself, stealing my moms name so I could sign up for accounts and banking as young as 11. But that hate. That hate for the fact that I wanted the money, the fact that I wanted sex or wanted that new computer almost completely obliterated all of that.
I became a validation whore and played WOW because that was the only way for stimulation.. so essentially ALL of that natural sexuality, that natural knack for business and communication reversed because of all the 'good' things the church was teaching me. That's how I ended up here... I'm slowly getting back to those natural roots all these years later. I love life and everything I do, but it still seems a bit 'dry'. Focus is my main issue nowadays though. I used to be almost manic in my early teens. Now I have to force the issue.
So I totally get what you mean by that shame and deep hate. I'm glad you posted this because I probably wouldn't have realized it myself for quite some time If I hadn't read this thread. It might take a while for me to internalize it completely but now there's definitely a seed.
At church they'd tell us all these things and how terrible it was to do them, people judged me, my parents raised me with the SOLE goal of preventing me of having sex with girls. They'd rather I smoke weed and drink than have sex. So growing up I hated myself. Like... I don't think I'll live to be an adult type of hate. I always was such a motivated kid too. Taught myself html when I was 8. Made money online completely by myself, stealing my moms name so I could sign up for accounts and banking as young as 11. But that hate. That hate for the fact that I wanted the money, the fact that I wanted sex or wanted that new computer almost completely obliterated all of that.
I became a validation whore and played WOW because that was the only way for stimulation.. so essentially ALL of that natural sexuality, that natural knack for business and communication reversed because of all the 'good' things the church was teaching me. That's how I ended up here... I'm slowly getting back to those natural roots all these years later. I love life and everything I do, but it still seems a bit 'dry'. Focus is my main issue nowadays though. I used to be almost manic in my early teens. Now I have to force the issue.
So I totally get what you mean by that shame and deep hate. I'm glad you posted this because I probably wouldn't have realized it myself for quite some time If I hadn't read this thread. It might take a while for me to internalize it completely but now there's definitely a seed.
Thu, 03/28/2013 - 00:16
#6
I like the way you write,
I like the way you write, dude. You don't hold back. Solid Stuff
Yeah there are different levels of epiphanies, it always seems like the "big one"- where some of the actual emotions are unleashed... is always preempted by the "intellectual" one- where we start to see the light- some of my earlier posts were hinting at something in this direction and I didn't even know it.
That's pretty insane about growing up Mormon... I can only imagine the amount of shit you allowed yourself to suppress.
From what I can tell, shame is also a very social emotion- possibly one of the main distinguishing factors between shame and guilt- is that shame seems to necessitate some form of social component- which also may be why it's so easily cultivated at a young age- we're much more impressionable then.
And yeah man- that hate... trust me, man- it gets better. When I first started out in this stuff, my level of self hatred was "HardCase Newbie" status.
But, as I'm learning now, we can always love ourselves a little bit more. Glad this connected with you- the truth tends to do that.
Yeah there are different levels of epiphanies, it always seems like the "big one"- where some of the actual emotions are unleashed... is always preempted by the "intellectual" one- where we start to see the light- some of my earlier posts were hinting at something in this direction and I didn't even know it.
That's pretty insane about growing up Mormon... I can only imagine the amount of shit you allowed yourself to suppress.
From what I can tell, shame is also a very social emotion- possibly one of the main distinguishing factors between shame and guilt- is that shame seems to necessitate some form of social component- which also may be why it's so easily cultivated at a young age- we're much more impressionable then.
And yeah man- that hate... trust me, man- it gets better. When I first started out in this stuff, my level of self hatred was "HardCase Newbie" status.
But, as I'm learning now, we can always love ourselves a little bit more. Glad this connected with you- the truth tends to do that.
Thu, 03/28/2013 - 21:59
#7
Respect for the upfront
Respect for the upfront emotional post.
I can totally relate to the deep meditation realisation stuff, it's pretty epic stuff when you get so into it and feel so good in your own body that you almost tear up with happiness, havent had much experience with approaching the negative like you though.
I've been doing this Eben Pagan Self Made Wealth program I got online (torrented of course ;), anyway one thing he says in there is most people have unconscious barriers to success - such as yours, (pretty sure I have them also). And that they can be things such as guilt for being wealthy, thinking wealthy people are bad people and how even having 'a story' can create this resistance.
He also says that people are going to be uncomfortable with you stepping up, because it brings them into question. The whole Illuminati conspiracy I think could be an exaggerated example of this.
The programs pretty awesome, unwires loads of dead weight and rewires better beliefs etc. I recommend it if you havent checked it.
I can totally relate to the deep meditation realisation stuff, it's pretty epic stuff when you get so into it and feel so good in your own body that you almost tear up with happiness, havent had much experience with approaching the negative like you though.
I've been doing this Eben Pagan Self Made Wealth program I got online (torrented of course ;), anyway one thing he says in there is most people have unconscious barriers to success - such as yours, (pretty sure I have them also). And that they can be things such as guilt for being wealthy, thinking wealthy people are bad people and how even having 'a story' can create this resistance.
He also says that people are going to be uncomfortable with you stepping up, because it brings them into question. The whole Illuminati conspiracy I think could be an exaggerated example of this.
The programs pretty awesome, unwires loads of dead weight and rewires better beliefs etc. I recommend it if you havent checked it.
Thu, 03/28/2013 - 22:58
#8
Yeah man, totally- I think
Yeah man, totally- I think it's just my personality but I have a very difficult time learning from a program like that. The power of coming to these realizations on my own is just too incredible.
But yeah- it's incredible how much we care what other people think. I've been digesting this for a day or two now and what I have come to realize is that I've been trying to micromanage how others feel about me for WAY too long and it's FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Constantly trying to control and manipulate everyone in order to try and make everyone ELSE happy when the last person you're thinking about is yourself. It's so obvious to me, right now, that just thinking about how long I've been letting this happen makes me VERY fucking angry.
Instead of just saying, "Yeah- this is me, take it or leave it" I've been like, "Well shit, maybe if I do this he/she will like me more and feel less threatened by me" it's so unbelievably gay.
I'm done. That story has ended. Just giving myself permission to go after what I want completely unreactive to anyone else fills me with amazing amounts of gratitude.
And it's also true how people will try and bring you down- Anything I've ever gotten like kind of good at- I've had people tell me I needed to "slow down" in one way or the other- and a lot of these people really THINK they are just being kind or watching out for me... but it's like FUCK THAT- what the hell do YOU know about succeeding, cause from what I see... I'm sitting here kicking some god damn ass and you're over there trying to INFECT me with your bullshit, limited view of the world. Like maybe if, instead of trying to bring me down, you realized that I am going after something with an intensity you could only dream of, maybe you could learn a thing or two about how SUCCESSFUL people, like me, go after shit.
It's true man- people like me are constantly challenging average people's perception of reality and it pisses them off- it scares the shit out of them. Cause they see people like me accomplishing shit that, to them, seems impossible- so of course, we must be doing SOMETHING wrong.... it's ridiculous.
Oh- and just for the record- I have NEVER had someone at an elite level of ANYTHING try and slow me down. You know why? Because those people GET IT. They get what it takes and they see it in me and they cherish it and try to cultivate it, rather than push it away because they aren't scared. They aren't little bitches like the rest of the world.
And yes- I realize how ridiculous this rant sounds but it's like 85% true and I'm just trying to make a point and I'm pretty pissed off right now- but in a good way- it's motivating and it's cathartic.
But yeah- it's incredible how much we care what other people think. I've been digesting this for a day or two now and what I have come to realize is that I've been trying to micromanage how others feel about me for WAY too long and it's FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Constantly trying to control and manipulate everyone in order to try and make everyone ELSE happy when the last person you're thinking about is yourself. It's so obvious to me, right now, that just thinking about how long I've been letting this happen makes me VERY fucking angry.
Instead of just saying, "Yeah- this is me, take it or leave it" I've been like, "Well shit, maybe if I do this he/she will like me more and feel less threatened by me" it's so unbelievably gay.
I'm done. That story has ended. Just giving myself permission to go after what I want completely unreactive to anyone else fills me with amazing amounts of gratitude.
And it's also true how people will try and bring you down- Anything I've ever gotten like kind of good at- I've had people tell me I needed to "slow down" in one way or the other- and a lot of these people really THINK they are just being kind or watching out for me... but it's like FUCK THAT- what the hell do YOU know about succeeding, cause from what I see... I'm sitting here kicking some god damn ass and you're over there trying to INFECT me with your bullshit, limited view of the world. Like maybe if, instead of trying to bring me down, you realized that I am going after something with an intensity you could only dream of, maybe you could learn a thing or two about how SUCCESSFUL people, like me, go after shit.
It's true man- people like me are constantly challenging average people's perception of reality and it pisses them off- it scares the shit out of them. Cause they see people like me accomplishing shit that, to them, seems impossible- so of course, we must be doing SOMETHING wrong.... it's ridiculous.
Oh- and just for the record- I have NEVER had someone at an elite level of ANYTHING try and slow me down. You know why? Because those people GET IT. They get what it takes and they see it in me and they cherish it and try to cultivate it, rather than push it away because they aren't scared. They aren't little bitches like the rest of the world.
And yes- I realize how ridiculous this rant sounds but it's like 85% true and I'm just trying to make a point and I'm pretty pissed off right now- but in a good way- it's motivating and it's cathartic.
Thu, 03/28/2013 - 23:04
#9
It's like that shit from Ayn
It's like that shit from Ayn Rand- there are the people who shape the world and then there is everyone else.
And the fact is that, for me, I really wanted to believe this wasn't true- I really wanted to believe that EVERYONE was just like me, that EVERYONE was a mover- but that's not true... not everyone is like me and that's okay- I'm not like super invested in this idea of me being better than anyone else but at the same time, I am. I'm a mover and the other 99.9% of the world's population can suck my dick.
And the fact is that, for me, I really wanted to believe this wasn't true- I really wanted to believe that EVERYONE was just like me, that EVERYONE was a mover- but that's not true... not everyone is like me and that's okay- I'm not like super invested in this idea of me being better than anyone else but at the same time, I am. I'm a mover and the other 99.9% of the world's population can suck my dick.