LR: Socialite

Her: Hey there, how's it going? Just got back from NZ over new years, it was nuts! Anyhoo, was wondering whether you'd like to get a drink/dinner/random hang out some time? :)

(you american trump-dumplings might not be familiar with how new zealanders sound so this bit might not make sense)

Me: aw new zillund bro?! thats sick

Me: im talking in a new zillund ecksent. its not iggzeckt ey.

Me: was your hollidae a bug hut?

Me: look little cuttin, ill take you out for pool and some tantalising pool cue butt whips. im at the coast lookin at all the fush until next week ey bro.

Her: yeah, sick bro. it was ace.

Her: i'm not good at pool eh but i'll give it a go.

Me: haha a bit of easy prey then ;) im kidding im not crash hot at it either. im all smack talk.

Me: and glitter bombs. ill supervise you still tho

Her: well thank you

Her: im going to go watch all the youtube tutorials on how to be slightly less average at pool

Me: haha. alright youre getting graded on your homework. study hard ;P. no rigging the pool table with landmines, i invented that trick.

Her: no pressure! what day should i set aside for this showdown?

Me: hold on im just checking which weeks im out of town for work.

Me: did you find any hobbitses?

Her: ah cool

Me: im an organ donor

(shamelessly swiped that right off mw's fb ages go because lol)

Me: bebby, how is saturgay the 14th?

Me: i'm in sales right now. it's a strategic transition job between where i used to work, in engineering drafting, to where im going to work, army officer.

Me: im also part time power ranger

Me: how are you at megazord morphing?

Her: omg

Her: im not sure about morphing but my favourite ranger is the pink one.

Her: also sat 14th sounds good I have a housewarming party that you could come to if you wanted to later

(not sure if her setup of us ending up at a house party is a deliberate move closer to a bedroom or not, but it obviously worked for me lol)

Me: [power ranger meme]

Me: you have a housewarming on sat?

Me: or a house-swarming... like a lot of bees are invited.

Her: haha no bees... but a housewarming for my gay boyfriends on the 14th

Her: and in my friends who are gay, so a few queer peeps there. they're pretty cool.

Me: sounds like the beginnings of a scissor sisters music video. i'm down

Her: yep. gurl you crack me up.

later

Her: hey QT! i just foudn out I have to work next saturday at 6pm (crying emoji) but happy to have my butt whipped at pool beforehand if you're keen? or can do friday/sunday hangs if that's better

Me: so you're leaving me to look after our kids on sat. you better bring home some extra back rubs then. ;)

Me: i work first half of sat

Her: our kids?? i dont remember having kids. Paternity test?

Me: lol

Me: gawd i have sun stroke so bad  lol

Her: when else are you free then, Baby mama? you still on holiday?

Me: not even sure what i've got on sungay besides a bit of naked amazon tribal warrior dancing

Me: war drums n shit

Her: hahahaha what an exciting life you lead

Me:whats open next sunday

Her: hmm heaps of stuff? ill check

Me: otherwise ill bring poker over to yours... unless you're hiding a cabbage patch doll collection

Her: not that i know of. i can handle poker.

Me: good. and james bond-esq banter too I hope

Me: ill be dr octopus

(that's spiderman, fool)

Me: youre pussy galore

Her: i wanted to be goldfinger

Me: lol

Me: fine.

Her: deal.

Her: how'd you get sun stroke? anything to do with naked tribal warrior dancing?

Me: naked tribal warrior runs on the beach. slow mo running is actually really hard. but gravity cant boss me around

Her: hehe it's hard to be in the moment when you have to rub sun block on your naked body first

Me: i dunno bebby, naked body rubs is my pre game for just about everything

Her: dayum ;)

Me: yeah. like some people need a lot of caffine, i need a lot of naked body rubs. it's medically diagnosed. it's a tough life.

Her: i feel bad for you but i might benefit from this eventually.

Me: lol. ;) if unsure of how to do ill give nice instructions.

Her: i look forward to it (though I may not be as sassy in person)

Me: *smooch* i gotchu bubby. I didn't want you resisting when i stole yer lunch money and pushed you in the sandpit anyway. :P

Her: you bully. somehow i'm into that. i'm going to bed you lil heartbreaker. *kiss emoji*

Me: dont worry i wont eat you afterwards ;)

Her: i hope not ;)

--a later day--

Her:whats news, pretty young thing? sunday is so far awaaay :'(

Me: listening to my skin sizzle lol. whyd you make it so hot today. how could you

Her: i didn't mean to

Her: where are you? other than on a giant griddle

Me: wat? griddle? im everywhere and nowhere. #ninja

Her: aren't you on holiday or summin?

Me: nome. back in [city]

Her: i assumed you were away, hence the sizzling

Me: no this is straight [city] burn. it burns like bad politics

Her: yowch

Her: sounds like you need some aloe vera

Me: yeah for hours

Her: mmm hmm

Her: quick question, you're not allergic to cats are you?

Me: no, im great with pussies. unless they need a bit of punishment ;)

Her: oh good. my lair has two, but only one of them is house trained.

(lol i actually took her literally here, thinking that she had two cats, but, no, she only has one lol)

Me: are they also flying minions. because thats always impressive

Her: no, no flying yet. will keep you posted.

(i'm an idiot, i could't figure out why she's apparently gone so asexual suddenly and i try to spice it back up. obvs, i was just misunderstanding the situation and it was all fine lol. actually this whole bit where she acts coy confused me when it happened lol)

Me: i'm a pussy terrorist. just the other kind. im under cover here in ****. dont give me up to the cops.

Her: well you're first mistake was telling me. im terrible with secrets. also i have little to no chill.

Her: but i wont turn you in if you promise to your your powers for good not evil

Me: i dont negotiative with terrorists

Her: it's not a negotiation

Me: haha tough

Me: youre not tough without any pants ;)

Her: how do you know?

Her: pants are the real terrorists here, let's be honest

Me: lezbehonest* (how could you forget)

Her: i was being coy (im bad at this)

Me: it's cute (kiss emoji)

Her: i'm glad you think so ^_^'

Her: but for now i must retire for some sleep. goodnight! (kiss emoji)

Me: night pumpkin

Me: tell me about what you dreamt that i did to you

Her: will do

Her: (heart eyes emoji)

Me: *smoocies*

--next day--

Her: HALP

Her: last night i dreamed an intruder broke into my house. and not in a sexy way. now seeking companion to keep me safe from baddies. :'(

Me: haha. yeah bubb ill come protect you. might take you hostage for myself

Her: i'd be fine with that

Her: what are you doing friday? i'm meeting some friends at this if you wanted to come along [she links an event]

Me: already going lol.

Me: yes... "friends". i have more sock puppets if you need em.

Me: jk :P

Her: lol ill be there with my puppets lol

Her: easy on the neggin ;P

Me: fine kitten. i just met the coolest old lady. has MS but creates crazy artworks

Her: oh cool! was this through work?

Her: also in true [city] fashion i got my ticket super later, there were only 2 left but i snuck in :D

Me: yeah. ill get her to "paint me like one of her french girls" like on titanic.

Me: some poor siamese twins cant go now :(

Her: won't someone think of the twiins!!

Me: [pic of Ms. Lovejoy from the simpsons]

Her: exaaactly

--friday--

Her: hey chickadee! looking forward to seeing you tonight

Me: you wont recognise me. im a grand wizard now. the silky beard is pretty overwhelming

Me: im so old ppl tired right now lol. going anyways

Her: hehe picturing you with a beard

Her: take a nap grandpa!!

Me: haha im still working. might sleep on the dance floor

Me: ill let you braid my beard

Her: how romantic

Her: i can get one of those baby carrier so you can nap on me

Me: no im tough n shit

Her: [sends video of the event. text says: you're missing it!]

Her: are you still coming tuff stuff?

Me: nah bebby im fucked. keep my girls company in there

Her: sad face!! i'll send you my snaps. and [my friend] and i had a dance too

Me: who was the limbo stick

Her: no limbo yet but we did a conga

Her: (laughing/smiling emoji)

Me: lol!

Me: pics with cleavage shots get higher points. Already gave [my friend] this mission.

Me: fuck my head, I have fomo so bad

Her: [sends pic of her and her friend]

Her: too sweaty

Me: ha! thats awes

Me: clearly [her friend] is still in the closet

(they're gay af, that's the joke)

Me: poor kid

Her: clearly

Her: [pic of her dancing around in her bra]

Her: as promised

Her: all the boys were doing it

Me: lol ;)

Me: damn. i missed out

Her: aww the weekends just begun

Her: don't fret

Me: true dat

--saturday--

Her: hey what time did you want to hang out tomorrow? i have to go see my gran in the morning (because i'm ADORABLE), so maybe early arvo like 2?

Me: that is pretty cute :)

Me: but ja ja

Me: lez do 2

Me: forgot we didnt have a time lol

Her: yeah for a place lol. is [bar] open on a sunday for pool? ive had such a crazy week i forgot to check

(i thought we'd established it'd be at her place. not sure why she attempted a change. i lead it back to her house but kindve making it seem a bit like it was her idea/solution in the end. just something we do in sales, make people sell things back to themselves.)

Me: lol! fak me too

Me: lemme think

Me: i wanna take you down in a jelly wrestling pool

Me: you have one in your backyard?

Me: like most lesbians?

Her: no but i have a clam shell?

Me: perfect

Her: so if you bring over some cards for poker i will provide clam shells and aircon and jelly ;)

Me: and mermaid costume? ;)

Her: haha we'll see

Me: yeah honey. thats way better than having to deal with paprazzo

Me: i*

Me: parazzi

Me: i give up

Her: paparazzo is singular so it still works (blow kiss emoji)

Me: no cheating. im patting you down for any hidden cards, if you start winning

Me: what's the address to your dungeon

Me: kill that work shift, gorgeous. p.s. bring home the bacon, the kids need stuff for school :|

Me: what do you do?

Me: oompa loompa recruitment? what?

Her: [address]

Her: i work at the ***** when im not a body for hire (temp)

Her: and we know oompa loompas can never truly be tamed

Me: mmm, they turn on their masters in the end. always

Me: i keep mine in line with empty threats. i tell that my orange marmalade is made out of smooshed oompa loompas who were bad

Her: good to know

Her: ill keep and eye out for an uprising

--sun--

Me: i broke into the wrong window last night. i didn't realise until i left but your neighbour might be in love with me now

Me: and missing her fine china

Her: you sneaky thief. funny thing is i still would have been awake, i dont think i drifted off till 4am (after getting home at 2:30. dang that night shift's a bitch)

Me: that's rough. didn't realise that you'd be awake, craving being pinned down while i did naughty things to you.

Me: and wriggling under my body press

Me: mmm

Me: i missed a buddhist meditation thing i was gonna go to this morning. shoot.

Me: now im restless

Her: aw pet. will be able to sort you out real soon. just about to pop to the shops and get some snacks, all suggestions welcome

Me: ill nibble on your flimsy swim suit

Her: eep

Me: lol :p

--

Me: here nigg

Me: i parked around the corner lol. hold up.

I'll post the rest of the LR tonight but, long story short, I spent about 8 hours at her house. most of that was spent fucking. ;)