Just venting

Honestly just locked up in my room, not really trying to have to tell this to all my friends since it's pretty obvious I'm pissed. This is going to be a fairly emotionally charged post. Not sure how long since I have finals in less than 12 hours. So I find out my dad isn't coming to my graduation. His excuse is he's working and sick that day. Now my parents are divorced and have been since I was a child. He's always been kinda dropping the ball by showing up hours after we were scheduled to hang or not even just standing me up while I twiddled my thumb like a retard as a kid. My mom saw this and just started being strict on my dad in order for him to see me. Basically, either you're punctual or you aren't getting to see Aequitas. So this only exasperates an already deteriorating relationship since he's always hungover from slaying some chick, instead of hanging with his son and daughter. Money was always thrown on the problem to shut me up. My mom was a dick and wouldn't let him show up to any important events like graduations, birthdays, etc. So he felt alienated and backstabbed and basically got a new wife, and packed his shit and left to vegas. I lived with him for a bit when I was 17 for a bit. He gave me his side of the story. So I understand where he's coming and like I totally get it, like I saw how shit just wasn't going in his direction. Like I'm a pretty fair dude, and I always strive to meet that middle ground -- and this applies to everything in life. I'm not a douchebag, but I'm not a doormat. My mom hated the fact that he was going to come to my graduation. [ for obvious reasons ] But I had to explain to her like yo, that's a dick move. Like even if he hasn't been a good dad he should still get that opportunity. Like I was real calm but firm about it. It was matter a fact, not up for debate since it's MY graduation. She eventually realized that I was right in the sense that if I ever wanted to develop ANY time of relationship with my dad that I needed to give him opportunities to be there for me. Like it's shitty because we don't have conversations, and it's not like it's from my end, like I really try to chat with him. The conversations are awkward because he doesn't feel entitled to having a conversation with me. He knows he dropped the ball, and just sulks about it. A bit of it might be on me, but I definitely feel this awkward vibe where the conversation is forced. His excuses have always been that we abandoned him, and that's why he left to vegas - not the other way around. And like I don't call him and shit because the conversations are really awkward. We really only connect when it comes to talking about girls and partying and stuff. Or when alcohol is introduced. But it's like whenever he asks me to show up to a family event, I usually do. And I am only doing it because I want to please him - like I'm trying to create chances for us to be chill with each other ya know? Like I gave the dude months of notice in advance with continual reminders of my graduation date and what not, so the excuses are illegitimate. Ya know I don't even really care that I'm graduating, that's really not a big deal to me. I'm mainly doing it for an opportunity for my parents to finally see me walk across a stage since I didn't graduate high school on stage. They've always made it out to be a big deal, so I don't mind doing it for them. Like I laid into him via fb ( lol @ chatting with him via fb in first place ). Wasn't in a disrespectful way, but more like the way I'm expressing myself in this blog. Just let him know where I'm coming from and how I recognize the errors from the past and I'm trying to do right. I mean I wasn't nice about it - I told him he fucked up and that he shouldn't be complaining about not getting opportunities if he isn't going to make an effort. Pretty much explained how this is exactly how the relationship deteriorated and that he shouldn't act surprised and play the victim to our outer family when I'm not making an effort as much. Like if I was a dad it would've never gotten to this point, but let's just put myself in his shoes. Both sides have made errors, and I want to reach out and try to be chill with my son. Like I know I won't be getting many shots to try to make amends, so I am going to be making an effort to set shit right because if I don't do it now, who knows when I'll get another shot. I'm pretty level headed and manipulative probably very well because of his and I's relationship and I recognize my shortcomings. But I mean, I'm only going to meet someone halfway. I'm kindve tired that he has to realize he fucked up in order to understand what the right thing to do is.

Honestly, this is kind've a big deal for me to see him come. But I'm not a little kid anymore and can't just turn a blind eye to every time he drops the ball. Like normally I wouldn't engage in a confrontation with him or if I did I would seriously be childish and just rude about the way I would argue with him.
I'm glad I'm coming into my own and how I handled the situation. Like I firmly let him know how I feel without being a douche about it.
Just me venting tho. I gotta get back to finals.