Emotional Control: Sexual Projection and Leading
January 2, 2012
Learning Emotional Control: Most people base their emotional state, their idea of success, and even their own self-esteem on where they think society would place them. Whether it be because we see the media pick apart celebrities and politicians or because magazines and the like tell us what to wear, look like, and even act like- this idea is ingrained in us- it is fundamental- it is our lens on reality.Emotional control is one of the baseline fundamentals of learning to live a satisfied and happy life.
But the problem is not that some magazine has a cool and interesting idea on how they think a male should act and look- but that people now doubt their own originality and way of doing things. Basic things like uttering a thought outloud, people’s opinions on their own personal talents and skills- i.e. an artist thinking he’s shit ‘cuz he can’t play sports, even being in tune and acting on your desires- it’s all done through a filter. Fuck the filter. Are you where you want to be, are you taking action in your life? Are you working to improve yourself..? Take your own word for how you think you should feel. Everyone else will take your word for it. People will only judge you for how you judge yourself. Now realize that some of you will have to work a little harder at this because you are dealing with people who think they know who you are and don’t want you to change.
A friend of mine snuck her 16 year old sister into a bar- they’d had dinner there earlier and then never left. Someone who knew her got jealous of the attention she was getting from the guys and told management. So security came for her sister and took her to another part of the bar to question her. My friend found me with a scared bewildered look on her face- her emotional/mental state was hopeless- she was in no condition to do anything to help her sister. She had been completely overwhelmed by the situation. She asked if I could do anything. I went and found her sister being questioned by security- she was in even worse condition- they were questioning her about how she got into the bar and she couldn’t even form words to talk. She was just looking up imploringly at the bouncer with a helpless and scared look on her face. The problem at this point is that the bouncer could tell the girl was under his spell, it was power and he really didn’t want to give it up. He’d projected a frame of her being guilty and she’d fallen right into it, he was master at this point. I walked up, announced calmly to the guy that she had been having dinner with her sister earlier and that now she was now going to simply leave. It took him a bit to even want to acknowledge me, I repeated myself firmly and said she just needed to leave now. She got some of her bearing back and nodded her head in acknowledgement. He stood there for a couple seconds more and then simply said, “ok go.”
This is typical. Every day people react to situations in the manner in which they think they should be reacting or are used to reacting. It’s like they live in a program: the social Matrix. ‘Ok I got caught.. cue negative feelings of guilt, insecurity and bullshit.’ Or ‘She doesn’t like me, there must be something wrong with me. I’m not good enough to get women like that.’ Do NOT let someone or something- a situation- project a negative frame onto you. Own your emotional reaction. It is yours to control! Realize that you can choose to let something bother you and ruin your day- or not. Your emotions and feelings aren’t meant to just come and go based on external factors.. I think some people think they are. Discipline your mind. Otherwise someone will perceive they have authority over you and own you, a woman will see these cues and not give you the time of day. A woman will look to your cues to see how to react to you and how to perceive you- are you high value? Does her little attitude bother you? If it does then you’re not what she wants.. this is the female screening process.
Real Communication: Male/Female Dynamics Some of you guys seem hardwired to be combative with girls… like you need for them to validate your dominant frame or at least recognize it. You don’t..
In the past I would be guilty of this also, I look back now and realize that if I’d just not allowed myself to become involved in these situations (mentally or emotionally), there wouldn’t have been an issue, and these females would responded to me much better. Women were never meant to be the judge of a guy’s value.. they are hardwired to pick at it! If a guy allows a girl any room to be a judge of his value- he is automatically lower value. I think this might actually apply across the board of human interaction.
Girls are.. girls. They aren’t meant -or even enough- to bring out my dominant side. But my vibe communicates that I seriously handle my shit. They know it.. but they won’t have to experience it themselves. This is actually what they want. We are men.. we fight lions, the earthly elements, provide strong emotional context for what matters and what doesn’t (when girlies wrap themselves emotionally around dumb shit), and.. WE DO NOT GET IN CONTESTS WITH WOMEN.
A quick note on comfort building: Introduce your values- don’t just go for a stronger emotional connection. You should be using this time to make her realize you are nonjudgmental about her being a sexual creature and acting on her desires. I’ve heard some guys post that the girl “figures out” what you’re doing and maybe even calls you on it. But this shouldn’t be a problem. Project. Project feeling and sincerity. Body language, eye contact and voice. I make girls comfortable talking about and expressing their sexuality. I communicate that this is just the kind of dude I am- it’s my reality. Your identity needs to be that of a guy who gives and receives attention from females. Freeflow. You just.. respond to things different than other guys. You can be the guy who banged a girl in a closet, and there’s a guy right next to you who’s getting sexual harrassment charges for being creepy, because.. his behavior is just not acceptable in the workplace. He didn’t give himself permission to be this way, acted incongruent- therefore he didn’t deserve to be acting like that. Girls picked up on this. I just read Tyler’s article on the “Secret Society”. That’s what I’m talking about here..
Controlling your frame before projecting sexuality: A lot of guys probably think I’m some rabid sexual monster- that I just lay on the sexual vibe without regard to the mental state of the woman I am talking to- that my skill lies in somehow getting a woman to accept the strong game I “throw” at her. This is really not the case- it is actually very well calibrated to the state she’s in.. the difference is that I can actually put her there- I can get her ready for what I really want. When I recognize her signs (basically how strong she’s reacting to my cues) I act on them, I grab her and pull her in, I give her sexual eye contact, I tell her upfront what I’m going to do to her, I lift up her skirt or gaze at her body plainly. Maybe she’s not ready for something so potent, so I’ll calibrate to the level she’s at, rinse wash repeat. The most important thing I can do, is touch her. More on this later.
Some girls I can be quite upfront with, others I know I have to approach the topic in a roundabout way- either they’re just not in touch with it because of ASD or they’re just not sexual people. I do this with some skill- usually through misinterpretation, jokes, telling her a story that starts off sounding so innocent but with a sexual side, or just through plain kino. One girl who I could tell was quite reserved and out of touch with her sexuality I told a story about a physical I got from a doctor who wanted to turn off the lights so he could “get a better look”. So when I was done we started talking about her experiences with gynecologists- she said it was uncomfortable being laid out naked on a table and having them use steel instruments on her. I was laughing, It was a perfect opportunity- I realized her frame on it was negative, so what I did was project a fun positive vibe about her lying there like that, and then told her if it had been me I would have put my instruments in the freezer before she came in. She laughed. So I turned an uncomfortable topic for her into a fun one and then put myself in it in a sexual way. This wasn’t a natural flow of the conversation either- it was a buildup of sexualness and I was listening to her cues to make sure she was in my frame. It’s more than realizing she’s actually listening to me and building off the thread I start, it’s listening for her tonal responsiveness to my reality. When she’s accepted my take on things then I know I can proceed.
I control, or take over the frame with vocal and tonal projection. Bottom line. Eye contact is already there, so is relaxed confident body language. You need to have these down already. Be relaxed with yourself and your surroundings. There is no reason not to be relaxed around people and be able to look people in the eye and stand there relaxed.. people want you to be this way. They’re more comfortable this way. But don’t concern yourself with acting overly “cool” or Alpha. Just. Be. Relaxed. “The Self is always showing through..”
Going back to vocal projection- a lot of people say don’t care about other people’s reaction to you, yet when you’re socializing and projecting this seems almost counterintuitive.. aren’t you trying to get a reaction? Aren’t we “running game”? We are actively looking for compliance cues from females and even males- so how can we not care? I understand the point of this whole “don’t care what people think” but for new guys who don’t understand the underlying concept it possibly confuses them. Maybe a more helpful framing of this concept would be to say that when you speak, sound like you expect a good reaction- that you want people to hear what you have to say, more than just trying to get people’s attention- your mannerism demands it. So you project it for all to hear with a carefree attitude. Realize that this is what a socially well-calibrated person actually sounds like. There’s a solid Mmmphf to your voice.. it doesn’t waiver or falter, and it does not fade off. If you find yourself saying something that you don’t think is going to be acceptable, you either cut yourself off with a “-wait fuck that that’s not what I meant” or just say it and act normal. Do not ever let your sentence trail away into obscurity or your voice fall into a mumble. That is death.
I was a military officer- I had to sound like I was in charge. Whether I was telling Soldiers to mop the floors or we were rolling up on an “enemy” position and my platoon needed my directives, My voice could say so much about my internal state- I needed it to say I was the one they should be listening to.
But I modulate my voice to the environment I’m in. I’m not going to be barking all the time- even with my soldiers. When I was in sales and I was speaking to a housewife I made my voice sound “nicer” and sweeter, when I had a male customer my voice hardened slightly. Calibration. When a guy pulled a gun in my face I spoke evenly and calmly, I did not let the situation escalate by sounding scared, or sounding aggressive, I think my buddy pooed his pants though and that ruined it- the dude smelled his fear.
My tonality is flexible- I want it to be able to communicate different things when I want. My projection remains even- I have something to communicate and you and you and you, are going to listen. You can hold attention with your voice- ‘When I speak.. people listen.’ Even if you’re not in the mood to be social and be the party guy it doesn’t mean you have to sound like you’re a lesser value guy. Answer people with gusto- be comfortable holding attention when it is required or asked of you, even if for a little bit.
When I speak with women my voice is softer and has a greater tonality range. Sometimes I even coo. I don’t “bark” at females, they don’t want to be barked at, they just want to know that you have the capacity to bark. They might try to instigate you, at this point you want to be unreactive, but if they overstep your boundaries then you quickly let them know. And then subside.. we fight lions and tigers.. a male getting into a power contest with a female shows a fundamental weakness on his part. A man does not fret over what a woman thinks of him.
More on the military.. Many senior NCOs- E6s and above- are used to being able to project over an inexperienced or unsure Lieutenant, even though the LT outranks them- it’s taking advantage, and I can’t blame them. I walked into a situation the other day where a senior NCO was putting another Lieutenant on the spot over something silly- it wasn’t even an accusation, just a way of projecting and phrasing something that made the Lieutenant feel like he was obligated to answer the NCO the way he wanted. Then he tried it on me, not quite the same reaction.. I just stood there looking at him and said “WHAT?” Simple projection of my voice- no accusation, just subcommunicating to him that I knew my role and I was sure of myself. The frame changed. By looking at him evenly and comfortably- and speaking the same way, his manner of communicating changed, This wasn’t about me “being in charge.” I don’t need stupid validation like that, this was a man to man “don’t pull that crap on me” vibe. Simple mutual respect.
Physicalness is the last key: I was with my wing SDC (Austin) a couple of weeks ago in San Diego’s PB Bar & Grill. I saw two very attractive blonds sitting down at the bar having a drink. I opened them with “HEEY are you speaking Spanish..?” With a quizzical look on my face, I was slightly leaned in, demanding an answer but my overall vibe was one of fun. She laughed and said something. I laughed and said something. Blah blah. Then they continued on their conversation- I heard one of them say to the other about some guy being “so anal about this shit!” I leaned in again.. “By the way.. (pause and quickly look at the other girl before continuing on) I’m anal about my shit too ” They both laughed- the set was now open. I slowly escalated sexual topic until we were talking about blowjobs and facials and the like. One of the girls was a pregnant housewife- gorgeous girl, and she asked me why some guys liked pregnant women. I made up a reason on the spot about how us guys put a pillow under a girl’s tummy to lift up her bottom and give us better access to it- whether we’re tonguing her down or entering her from behind- and that her being pregnant did this for us already. I got them talking very freely about their sexuality, the things they wanted to try and stuff. I told the single girl I was going to find us a mexican girl to take home with us, she laughed and gave a little resistance. Anyways long story short I got her number and myspace and then told them we were going to take off, I leaned in and pulled her into me to give her a hug and kiss, shook the other girl’s hand and we walked away. SDC said to me, “All that ‘game’, all that sexual stuff you were talking about with them, didn’t mean anything until you gave her a hug.” FUCK! He was so right. It really didn’t mean anything, didn’t have any kind of real connection. The real anchor is always in physical touch.
The Claw: If you guys aren’t comfortable touching a girl and being relaxed and confident about it, you’re fucked. You just aren’t gonna get laid. I’ve talked to a couple of you who have actually told me, “Well I just don’t like to be touched.. it makes me uncomfortable.” Women are sensual creatures, they can tell a lot about a person through how they’re touched by them. Is this person comfortable in his own skin enough to be that close with someone else? Do they see themselves as high value enough and their reality strong enough that they can just assume someone else would want to be part of it? Is this person a sexually experienced person? This is why the claw is so powerful- it’s attraction/comfort/dominance/seduction/fool’s mate all in one. Remember you don’t just put your arm around her shoulder like a wet dishrag, you grab her, hold her and pull her in to you. The claw is dynamic- the grip is dynamic- it’s not a feeling she can dismiss like background noise- she feels it’s presence at all times.
When I meet a girl for a first date I immediately get physical with her. I’ll casually walk up on the side of her and claw her in, I’ll give her a squeeze and then let her go- walking at my own pace and letting her fall in-step with me. If she says something cute or we make random eye contact I’ll pull her in to a light headlock, maybe give her a noogie and then push her away from me. When I’m out publicly with her I project vocally to whoever I’m interacting with- whether it be a movie ticket salesman or a waiter. She wants to see this. When we sit down together I take up a lot of space, I subtly take over her area also. This is why I like taking girls to see a movie- my physical presence is just so palpable with her sitting next to me. At this point I will reach my arm that’s on her side across her body to her opposite thigh and hold her there, slightly pulling her in. It’s another version of the claw. I’ll pull her in and slightly behind me so my shoulder is in front of hers and I’m slightly leaning back against her. Picture this. She feels very protected and in your space whether she realizes it or not. It’s a very dominant way to sit with a girl.
I think there’s pros and cons to taking a girl to any type of movie- I take her to a movie that I want to see. I like horror movies and action flicks- but If scary movies make you nervous let me know, I’ll give your girl a call and explain things to her.
I don’t always employ the claw when I am first meeting girls- I’d say when I’m in the club, at a bar, walking the streets or approaching girls randomly I use it immediately about 60-65% of the time. But I can tell when she’s not immediately open, in which case I’ll open with something else to prep her for my physicalness. I’m very sensitive to her state- usually if she’s willing to stand there and talk to you even for a second and respond to you she wants to be clawed, if she wants to be clawed she’s open to be kissed.
A lot of you guys don’t know or refuse to take on the role you are meant to have in male/female interactions. You want the comfort and security of knowing that she’s going to respond well to your advances. You want us to tell you the exact scientific steps to opening her up and compelling her to make the moves. Stop being a vagina. You are not a vagina. You are all males.. know your role. Males are aggressive and bold about their actions and desires. Females are biologically hardwired to respond to this. Sure you might have a girl not respond well to your initial advance. Boohoo. We do not apologize for our desires as males. Some women might try and see if we will apologize- they might put on a good show for us.. but this isn’t what they want. This is the difference between coming off as a creepy horndog, and a masculine, Alpha male with a naturally strong sexual drive. These guys have permission to be this way.. they take it. The others don’t.
Do not think you’ll be able to hide your own desires, not having to act on them until she makes the first move.
Take responsibility for the fact that you will lead the interaction with the girl. This isn’t about your comfort. It’s about hers..
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Also realize that you don’t have to be concerned with every single little body nuance or flash of eye contact. I am not 100% ultra-masculine all of the time. It doesn’t matter.. she knows what I am from my overall communication. After a certain point her perception of you will be so set that when she does notice something not quite rock-hard in mannerism, she’ll appreciate it even more. She’ll feel she’s earned a peek at your softer more vulnerable side. She wants to see this- she wants to know you have this side of you- this is established comfort with her.
Violence and Amogs: The military has a lot to offer on this concept. So much is fundamentally built into teaching us the way to communicate. I deal sometimes with soldiers who have fucked up enough to be decreed unfit for military duty. Disrespectful, noncompliant, whatever.. they’re out- and they know it. Yet when I am present there is no room for any of this bullshit. My mannerisms and way of acting only allows for them to treat me with respect. I don’t look to them to see if I’m doing the right thing, or if I’m being a “cool” Lieutenant, or if they’re listening to what I’m saying. I walked into a situation where four of these soldiers were standing face to face, red and screaming, about to throw blows. I walked right into the middle of it- absolutely no room or time for hesitation. “What the FUCK is going on here.. All of you- go downstairs.” That was it. There was no room for them to project an aggressive attitude on me- I wanted to know what they were doing. I was the one projecting- not them.
I had an ex-girlfriend a few years ago who went into the boys bathroom with her friend because the girl’s line was so long. A bouncer put his hands on them and basically forced them out. They immediately got into a confrontation with the guy- yelling, screaming, calling him names. He got aggressive- standing there with fists clenched, calling them names back and acting threatening- a hulking black guy getting in a confrontation with two little 5’5″ females. All of it absolutely worthless and wasted effort. He attempted to talk to me- but I wanted nothing to do with him. I was not going to directly address him and let him think we were on the same level. I called for his manager. The manager came, immediately trying to use his bulk to cower me. It didn’t even enter into my reality. I explained to him what happened and told him he had a physically aggressive bouncer putting his hands on females. He said, “But they were in the boys bathroom.” I looked at him calmly and said, “That’s not the point.” He said.. “you’re right.” and sent the guy walking immediately. Stupidly the bouncer and the two girls were still fighting with each other as he walked off down the street.