You Must Be Striving to Become the Best Version of Yourself or You Will Lose Her
I met a girl several months ago. I walked up to her and her friend on the street. She would end up being my first relationship since getting into pickup and taking MW's program.
Earlier in the night she was with two girls and a friend of mine, and my friend and her friend were putting one of the girls into a cab because she was too drunk. This girl was standing off to the side, arms folded. I could feel her pouting from 100 feet away. I did not approach her then. Several hours later I she and one friend reappeared. She has a fat ass and that was the first thing I noticed.
I walked up, spun her around and could see she was still upset. I told her not to pout and unfolded her arms, she made a fake smile and flipped me off with each finger at one corner of her mouth. I laughed and turned to her friend. After some chit chat and calling my friend we were heading to an afterhours spot. I made out with her about 20mins into being at a table there, and then told the girls I was hungry and was going to get food. They came with me. We had a nice meal and afterwards I put her and her friend in a cab.
We hung out as much as possible for the next 6 days while she was on vacation. She would leave her friends to come hang out with me (they were getting pissed off). She is a generally happy, positive person and we had a great time. She's from near where my family lives, so I wanted to keep things going after she left. I hadn't felt this way about a girl in years. When she left we were completely head-over-heels in love with each other. I felt liberated from years of cynical "Red Pill" manosphere thinking. I was excited that I had been able to find love again.
Manwhore covered relationships in his in-field program, so I should have known how to handle this. I had allowed myself to become lazy in my thinking and that translated to my actions. I arrogantly assumed that since I had learned how to be present and mindful at one point in time that it would last forever. I also assumed that since I had made such a strong impression, that it would carry me forward for a long time in the relationship. This, while turning out to be true for a while, was ultimately not helpful.
I have never met a girl in my life who was so connected to me. "What you feels, she feels" isn't just a pickup saying. If I was happy she was happy, if I was unhappy then she was unhappy. I have never seen such "mirroring" ever in my life. We went to dinner two weeks ago and she was literally copying my movements, expressions, and tone. She is an emotional girl who feels deeply, and until recently I underestimated the power of leading and thus being in sync.
While we were long-distance everything was good. I continued doing my thing and being a social person. I talked to other girls but didn't fuck any of them. She wanted to Facetime every day and texted me all the time. Even though she was finishing up her last year of college and in a sorority, she was a good girl and I never felt unable to trust her.
Some time ago I injured myself, and the repair required surgery. Between the rehab period and what I did for my job, I was going to be out of commission for a long period of time. Thankfully, I have a great family who offered to have me stay with them while I recover and get back on my feet.
In spite of what I learned and know, I let the fact that I got injured get to me and bring me down. I allowed my mind to project negativity into the future and dwell on it. I know she picked up on what was going on and felt it coming from me. About a week after I injured myself she came up with a list of things that were pissing her off and it felt like she was kicking me while I was down.
After the surgery I came back to stay with my family. At first things between us were amazing and she was putting in tons of effort in terms of coming to see me since I'm recovering. She was happy to come over and blow me and wanted sex as much as possible. Because of the recovery I have had to get creative and its been a challenge to really fuck her like a champ. That aside, everything seemed good on the surface when she left for Europe two weeks ago.
Before leaving there had been times that I knew she was upset or disappointed with me but didn't want to talk about it. She is more of the type to put on a happy face and make the best of things. She had become distant in terms of her emotions but still physically affectionate. In spite of that the night before she left we had our first real "date" and she went on and on about how wonderful it was and how much she enjoyed being with me.
Shortly after coming home and getting off the pain meds I realized that I had become *unconscious* again. I was down on myself for a variety of things, particularly poor decisions in my past, and projecting negativity and worry into the future. In the past, even though I understood mindfulness and presence, I never committed to becoming permanently mindful. I didn't do the work to root out deep-seated insecurity; to make positive thinking and taking action a habit and a lifestyle.
Inspired by MW and by Jabranovich's threads, I decided to make mindfulness a habit once and for all and move my life in a positive direction. I've been making progress in terms of being present most of the time, not being angry, looking at things differently, and finally feeling peace and happiness for most of the day. I stopped fatalistically projecting into the future and believing the worst in situations. Everything has been going well except one thing.
Apparently I still have deep-seated insecurities that I haven't dealt with. All of my worry and negative thoughts have been about her. She can feel it and I can tell she's getting pissed off. I've been searching my mind and reading books to find out why these particular thoughts and emotions keep bubbling up inside and forcing their way out. I hadn't been able to find an answer until yesterday when it came to me.
The answer isn't what it seems. Some of the books claim that these kind of deep-seated, persistent negative feelings come from unresolved emotions from childhood, others say that its because of an unwillingness to accept or feel them fully. I now believe that neither of these are true.
The deep-seated negative emotions are caused by insecurity and lack of self-worth. If any of you understand what I'm saying then please listen to this. If you want to overcome those feelings and dissolve your insecurities. If you've felt what I'm describing, then the next thought is for you:
You must be constantly striving to become the best version of yourself. The only way out is up. Focus your mind on what you want. Rid your mind of negative thoughts, worry, and what you don't want. Listen to Tolle and follow the steps in the Success Mindset post and then execute every day. Become mindful of your thoughts, focus on the positive, always look for solutions, and keep going. Always keep going.
She feels what you feel. She needs the reassurance that she's with a man who she can trust to lead her and keep her safe. She can feel that you don't actively love yourself and this makes her fearful. She needs to know that you can handle everything for the two of you. If she can feel your self-doubt coming through she'll become afraid and resentful. She will push you away because that's her nature.
Striving to become the best version of yourself is the road to self-mastery. The only way to root out the insecurities, the self-doubt and to move your life forward in the direction that you want, is to become positive, mindful, and take action. Positive mindfulness must be practiced daily.
Game is fun, and its easy enough to hide your insecurities for a night or two. If you don't deal with them they will surface eventually, and she will leave you or resent you. The only way to have a loving, fulfilling relationship with a good girl is to become worthy yourself. You must become a positive, mindful person who takes action daily and doesn't give up, constantly striving for better.
Good post. i'm experience something similar with my current girlfriend. she mirrors my emotions and it forces me to take more responsibility. and yes, as tony robins (probably) puts it, the quality of your relationships reflects the quality of your life.
Nice post dude
Yeah truthfuly being your best self is beneficial for everyone around you too, or at least this has been my new way of thinking lately. Anyone that says otherwise is a hater. For me, when I focus on my vocal drills and stuff negative self talk does not feel nearly as persistent.
Yeah the verbal drills energize your mind and body in such a way that they actually push the negative stuff out of your mind. They change your state and force you to focus so there's no room left over for garbage to hang around.
It's in this area that I think Tolle falls short. He's ambilvalent about having goals and seems passive and low-energy. I sincerely believe that in today's day and age--with the outside environmental influences being what they are--you have to cultivate a burning desire to succeed or you won't make it through.
Awesome post man, thanks for sharing your thoughts.
This is completely right. Always be heading in the right direction, always be growing and learning, experiencing, becoming better and better.
The path to Mastery is two steps forward and one step back. Don't get down on yourself when you take that small step back, redouble your efforts as success is right around the corner.
I'm sure you have, but if not, listen to The Way of The Superior Man. Covers everything you brought up in your post.
A pretty awesome lesson I learned, is you have a choice about your time. Time is your most precious resource as you can never get it back. You can choose to waste your time in unconscious inactivity, that does nothing for your life (watching tv mindlessly for hours, being lazy and unconscious moving backwards in life) -OR- you can choose to do SOMETHING with your time that will move you in the right direction. No matter how small or insignificant - as long as you're moving in the right direction.
So in my time off, or when I don't feel like working on my businesses (I don't force and I don't do hard work, I actively procrastinate a lot until my emotions push me forward - until it feels like doing nothing is more painful than achieving what I desire in life), I'll listen to Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Andy Shaw, Robert Anthony - anything mindset related, and just listen to it, instead of falling off into watching television or browsing youtube. I'll listen or read a book on entrepreneurship or marketing. Or I'll just say fuck it and sit down and 'do nothing' meditate and clear my mind. I'll call up a friend and go out for lunch, spend some time relaxing and listening, working on my charisma skills ;) The results of delegating my time like this have been staggering.
"Is there anything I can be doing right now to bring about what I desire?" "What's next on my list, and if not that - What DO I feel like doing right now?" Don't be afraid to actively procrastinate and give your subconscious more information or time to think and process. Only take action when your emotions push you (standing still and going nowhere feels painful, like it's leading to an unfulfilled life - and so you're compelled to take action).
Always be moving forward in life, no matter how small or insignificant.
Utilize the power of observation, and dissolve the negative thoughts. "Where's the benefit? How does this help? What can I learn from this?" Don't judge / look for conclusions. Just look.
"Am I present now?"
This stuff gives you control over your mind. Then when you notice a thought that doesn't serve you - you can just block it out. You can do this if you think you can. If you doubt it, then you cannot.
"The aim of the wise is not to secure pleasure, but to avoid pain."
Install the 'belief' in your mind that everything that happens to you is for the best. No matter how bad things may seem, understand that it's the best thing for you, sent to help you learn and grow. Install the 'belief' that everything ALWAYS works out for the best in the long run. Actively go in your mind when you're worrying and see all routes eventually leading to a positive outcome. This gives you amazing strength. "A problem is either being dealt with or accepted, so why worry?" "What problem do I have right now?" And if you're depressed: "I Choose To Feel Good Now." "I Choose to feel Grateful now."
Be grateful for all the lessons, all the challenges presented to you, all the obstacles in your way - because everything is sent to help you in some way. To bring awareness to an area of your mind and life you have never looked at or been aware of before. When you find the deepest most scary stuff in your mind, dig them up to the surface, face them straight on and see them for what they are and so dissolve them, everything becomes easy after that.
"Your subconscious knows what's best for you. With this in mind, you can now go and look forward to whatever happens to you... whatever slows you down... as these will ultimately end up having been sent to help you."
Never allow yourself to be overwhelmed or stressed. Only do what feels right to You. You have all the time in the world, and if your ego doesn't agree, show it by stopping everything and doing nothing as to demonstrate you have an abundance of time.
The main solution you found is probably the most important thing you can ever do for yourself and the rest of the world. Total, complete and utter Self-Love. Always be Delighted with yourself. No matter what.
Thank you for that