Eliminating even more neediness, mid meditation
Mon, 07/16/2012 - 05:46
Today I've had a lot of negative thoughts. I think it is just a culmination of no more than 4 hours a night of sleep since Tuesday, crappy diet yesterday, room got messy due to being busy, and after a crap load of socializing (been out every night this week, more than usual) I think it was just time to relax cause I'm not used to that much. Expansion and contraction.
So I had weird thoughts all day long. They used to be normal but I haven't felt them all damn week. Then bam! Today was all bad thoughts. I didn't get a reply back from a girl I went on a date with earlier in the week even though she invited me out today. So I felt kinda down about that and then almost got angry when I saw she posted a pic with another guy doing what was supposed to be our date!! It was a weird feeling I got so anxious and upset, especially since she only texted me once today. But now that I'm in a better mood - DUHH it's so obvious, I should've called her yesterday to flesh out plans cause last I talked to her was Friday and it was just "we should do xxx on Sunday." and then I didn't talk to her until today. And the texti sent was lamee. Point is: I was feeling bad about stuff that didn't even matter or wasn't even negative!
I meditated earlier in the day and it was a crappy session. No session is crappy but I didn't feel present for the rest of the day. So just now I finished meditating and it cleared my mind. Towards the end of the session I tried doing open eyed meditation for a bit. Then my phone lit up. It was on silent but I glanced down and saw a message from a friend which read "can't believe you didn't even ask.." that's all I could see on the preview on my phone. So I assumed it was cant believe you didn't invite us out yesterday. Him and his girl have a history of being really needy for my friendship. Like I don't invite them somewhere and then I get like 5 messages from each of them saying needy gross shit. Ugh. It's bad behavior on their part.
So I go back to meditating and watch the thoughts that come up. A few were about the neediness of that couple. I let to of them.. And then the next thought that comes up is that the neediness they show me is the same feelings I had towards this girl today! Fuck me. So obvious! After y session was done I was going to ignore their message but instead wrote him back saying "Ahh dude sorry, next time. Plus we got that concert in a few weeks!!"
It was a really cool feeling that mid meditation I came to the realization that I had the same qualities that I hated in other people. The difference is I knew better to not cry about it but it still effed up my emotional state and ability to send good texts lol.
Kinda goes back on that other little fr I made. I wrote at the end the qualities you hate most in others and the things you hate most about yourself. So I chose to give value instead of let them think I don't like them or punish them for their needy behavior. I either gotta let to or take action and be like "dudes you can't expect us to do everything together. I love you but Your being needy
So I had weird thoughts all day long. They used to be normal but I haven't felt them all damn week. Then bam! Today was all bad thoughts. I didn't get a reply back from a girl I went on a date with earlier in the week even though she invited me out today. So I felt kinda down about that and then almost got angry when I saw she posted a pic with another guy doing what was supposed to be our date!! It was a weird feeling I got so anxious and upset, especially since she only texted me once today. But now that I'm in a better mood - DUHH it's so obvious, I should've called her yesterday to flesh out plans cause last I talked to her was Friday and it was just "we should do xxx on Sunday." and then I didn't talk to her until today. And the texti sent was lamee. Point is: I was feeling bad about stuff that didn't even matter or wasn't even negative!
I meditated earlier in the day and it was a crappy session. No session is crappy but I didn't feel present for the rest of the day. So just now I finished meditating and it cleared my mind. Towards the end of the session I tried doing open eyed meditation for a bit. Then my phone lit up. It was on silent but I glanced down and saw a message from a friend which read "can't believe you didn't even ask.." that's all I could see on the preview on my phone. So I assumed it was cant believe you didn't invite us out yesterday. Him and his girl have a history of being really needy for my friendship. Like I don't invite them somewhere and then I get like 5 messages from each of them saying needy gross shit. Ugh. It's bad behavior on their part.
So I go back to meditating and watch the thoughts that come up. A few were about the neediness of that couple. I let to of them.. And then the next thought that comes up is that the neediness they show me is the same feelings I had towards this girl today! Fuck me. So obvious! After y session was done I was going to ignore their message but instead wrote him back saying "Ahh dude sorry, next time. Plus we got that concert in a few weeks!!"
It was a really cool feeling that mid meditation I came to the realization that I had the same qualities that I hated in other people. The difference is I knew better to not cry about it but it still effed up my emotional state and ability to send good texts lol.
Kinda goes back on that other little fr I made. I wrote at the end the qualities you hate most in others and the things you hate most about yourself. So I chose to give value instead of let them think I don't like them or punish them for their needy behavior. I either gotta let to or take action and be like "dudes you can't expect us to do everything together. I love you but Your being needy