Nonverbal Communication, Cavemanning 2007 21 Convention Speech
February 12, 2012
I. Introduction- Owning yourself
Nonverbal communication is one of the most valuable areas of self-expression a man can learn to control.
A. You guys are too responsive to situations around you. You automatically respond negatively to a seemingly bad situation without questioning why you’re reacting like that, or feeling like that..
A girl acts bitchy to you, and you actually feel shitty- this leads to thinking it’s a reflection of you- so you start stuttering, your nonverbal communication takes a dive. And your thought process takes a dump. You get questioned by a cop, or some figure of authority like your parents, and you act and feel tense, nervous- you might even adopt guilty mannerisms.
Some of you guys say.. social embarrassment is the only thing I can’t get over. Dude.. it’s just a feeling. And you’re the only one feeling it! If you were to disregard it, it wouldn’t exist.
Guys.. those are just chemicals rushing through your body… You haven’t actually changed..! A lot of you guys feel owned by the physiological reactions you feel- that you have to respond to the horrible tense feeling in your gut. No… Disregard it- it’s only your body acting on its own. Divorce yourself from the feeling and do not dwell on it. .
Take control of your own body.. develop your own mental boundaries of what you give regard to or not- keep your thought process positive, this will help you develop a constant upbeat emotional state.
If something happens, realize “Ok.. there’s no real reason to let that bother me.” So don’t let it- disregard your own body’s response. This is difficult at first. You’ll all get better at it.
B. Shutting my brain down.. Guys my job involves me always being under the spotlight- under scrutiny by those I’m actually in charge of. Dorky things happen.. I might do something questionable and they all see it.
I’d get riled up over it. I’d be like.. “fuck I wonder what they’re all thinking.”
But I realized I could influence them into basically ignoring the event, by just acting normal. “Business as usual guys.. nothing’s changed.” The only thing happening was.. in my head. No one else is giving it the same thought you are, until they can see that you are. Even if they are thinking about it.. your relaxed cues are enough to make it the same in their head.
So realize that when you’re tripping on something.. thinking everybody is talking about something dumb you did, realize if you act like it wasn’t a big deal… they’ll treat it the same.
Here’s a real simple example- It’s like, you tell a “your mom” joke.. and the guy is like, “Dude my mom has cancer..” And you guys are like.. “Ohhh.. shit man I’m sorry.” Dude don’t do that.. all you’re doing is making the situation worse- projecting that it was fucked up. Be like.. “Oh sorry dude I didn’t know..” and move on. Treat it like it was a casual mistake- don’t turn it into something bigger than it was. That guy will take the same attitude about it.
C. When I talk to some of you guys- the biggest thing I encounter is your own self-limiting ideas.
“I don’t have this.. or that.. so I can’t act like a high-status dude.. because I’m just not.” So you think you’re not allowed to be assertive, or act confident- because confident people are good-looking or play sports or whatever excuse you guys give yourselves to stay in the same old rut. That’s.. crap. That stuff is only a problem if you let it.
The rules of society that dictate how people are treated by others, are an illusion... Perception is reality- you can be a high status guy according to the world’s standards- have money and clothes and cars- and still be thought of by people as a bag of shit, you can be a bag of shit, according to the world’s standards- no money, no car, live in a shithole, and still be perceived and treated as a high-status dude.
The persona that you display and project.. is what counts. People will only judge you for how you judge yourself- meaning they will perceive you by the attitude about yourself you project.. They So..? Adopt an attitude about yourself that projects to people you are a confident dude. Sure you might rub some people the wrong way.. you will always rub some people the wrong way. And I’ll explain this in a bit.
In any social group, whatever kind of social activity you guys belong to… there are dudes who completely dominate that scene. Whatever it is.. chess club, World of Warcraft, the football team. There are high-status guys that get treated by others with high regard. The things in this world you enjoy, do not dictate your status.
II. Communication- it is very difficult to logically convince yourself that you’re a high-status dude and that you should act that way. You can logically know that people perceive you based on what you think of yourself.. it’s a different story to internalize it emotionally and mentally. I’m going to explain to you guys how to act like a confident guy, so people react to you like you are one..
A. Projection- subcommunication
Researchers have found that emotions spread from one person to another
even when the interaction is completely non-verbal. The one who is most
emotionally expressive non-verbally ends up influencing the mood of the
1. Vocal Tonality and Force-
Bottom line- your voice is one of the most important tools you have. It “says” a lot about you, your mood, how you’re feeling, your level of confidence, and level of personal comfort in your present surroundings. You can have the greatest personality- but if you can’t communicate this, it doesn’t matter, you can have the greatest material or routines, but if you lack conviction in your voice- if you can’t speak.. then none of it matters. Your shit, will fall on its face.
Guys, this isn’t just about pick-up.. this is about life, and communicating with the people around you. Some of you guys need to give yourselves permission to speak the fuck up, and say what you want to say!
So here’s some stuff I notice guys do that is wrong.
They habitually have an upturn of tone at the end of their sentences, or they pronounce certain words like that.
It makes it sound like they’re apologizing for even talking.. or they’re constantly affirming to themselves thatit’s ok to continue.
You don’t even have to be asking a question- you might even be directing someone- giving someone directions, “So first you take a left..? And then you take a right..? And then you go straight at the ?light..?” Or you’re telling a story.. “So there was this girl? that wasn’t talking to any of the guys..? blah bla blah..?”
It sounds like you’re asking questions while you talk. Well when you’re asking a question, you are asking for feedback from the person you’re talking to- and that you actually doubt yourself! That is reaction-seeking/approval-seeking. That is chode.
I do not even ask questions. I ask a question and it sounds like a statement. “So we’re going to do this when you get back..” I don’t even use ? marks in text messages or myspace messages. I don’t like it.
Guys.. speak LOUD and clear. Project your voice! If you’re going to say something.. SAY IT. It’s not a matter of speaking louder- but of forcing it out harder-
Example of bad, and then good. “Hey man.. where’s the gum at?” or.. “Hey man where’s the toilet paper at?”
Slow down your words. Don’t talk fast- it’s subcommunicating that you feel you need to hurry up so you keep someone’s attention. Like if you walk up to a girl and open.. you talk faster so you can get all your opener out, and hook them!
Your opener isn’t the hook.. you are. Slow down- they will listen. It actually sounds more important the slower you go. Pauses- they make what you say sound more important- when you do it right. Don’t clip your words, sound them out.
If you find yourself saying something that you don’t think is going to be acceptable, you either cut yourself off with a “-wait fuck that that’s not what I meant” or just say it and act normal. Do not ever let your sentence trail away into obscurity or your voice fall into a mumble. That is death.
Sexual tones.. lower and deeper, slower. There’s a reason why Don Juan talks like this.. ‘cuz this is how you talk sexually. Remember you are this person.. you are a sexual person. Communicate like one.
You control the way something is perceived.. based on the way you say it. “I’m going to grab you, and pour mayonnaise on you.. and wipe it off.. with a napkin.”
Now if I was to have said that normally.. it would have sounded fucking retarded. But I said it sexually, and with conviction. So that’s how they took it.
I once heard a buddy tell a girl.. “I’m going to take you in the other room.. and punch you in the face.. and knock your ass out.” And I’m like.. :o, and she’s like… “ahh..” And she was like.. a cornfed white girl, cheerleader type.
You will say something to a girl.. regardless of it’s content- whether it’s sexual or not.. and she will simply say.. “What..?” and some guys immediately get self-conscious- like her questioning you makes you doubt yourself. You repeat it in a mumble.. you try to reword it, or your voice kinda trails off and dies the second time you say it- regardless.. she knows that she made you self-conscious. Fuck that.. Repeat it just the same. “I carry women off over my shoulder.”
2. Facial Expression-
What do I do as I’m walking- or interacting- that just repels dudes as I’m passing through, and
completely attracts women.. SMILE. when I stopped smiling.. It’s a status thing- Alpha guys
don’t try to act macho- they feel happy.
Now some of you guys smile very weakly. Flex your face. Your eyebrows, your forehead.
Don’t give me that smile with the blank, weak expressionless eyes. The rest of your face looks
Like.. a flaccid penis. Do you want the rest of your face.. to look like that?.
Sometimes she’ll have a blank look on her face.. to some guys this will be absolutely
intimidating. But to us it’s not..
It’s a blank slate. It’s saying “Insert emotional state here!” Project fun! Project that good
response! Make her smile- a girl will doubt, and then look at your cue. – Look at her- and then
let the smile spread- it’s projecting your happy frame.
Do not narrow your eyes when you talk like you’re trying to see how they’re responding..
About a year ago I was in a taco shop in Pacific Beach. This girl was wearing a shirt that said
“kiss my taco”. I’m thinkin’.. “Damn.. my work here is half-way done!”. Anyways she’s taking
our order, and she’s very low energy. And I remarked/exclaimed on it. Whoah! Look at you all sad ‘n stuff. You haven’t had anyone kiss your taco for awhile have you. She looks up at me- with a slight glare. This is the crucial moment.. how will I react to the “pressure” of her looking at me- will I doubt my own thoughts and back down? Will I apologize for saying something sexual..?
I pull my head back slightly and my eyes widen a bit. You HAVEN’T! Girl I knew it. That’s what you need. She loves it and starts giggling and responding to me, IOIs blah blah. Anyways I keep talkin’ to her about it, and this “part” comes up where I lower my voice as I’m speaking to her, I’m only trying to tone down the volume and make it more personal, but as I do it, a coworker walks over- she totally perceives it as me pussing out in front of her coworker. Her entire frame and demeanor changes. Once again I’m just a pervert to her. She turns snotty, I grab my food # and walk to a table.
3. Body Language
4. Directing your attention, eye contact/responsiveness- Alright.. everybody tells you guys-
maintain eye contact! Don’t be afraid to look other people in the eye! Don’t break contact first!
This shows them you’re not afraid.
You can’t do that.. it creeps people out. It’s socially uncalibrated. Plus.. remember that eye
contact is your direction of attention. It’s a very important tool. Your focus of attention- your
eye contact- gives something more importance. It communicates that you find the thing you’re
looking at has credibility, it’s gotten your attention, is worthy of your attention, and it
matters to you. Is this always going to be a good thing? No..
When you’re walking through the club.. are you going to lock eye contact with every dude you pass? No.. you’ll get in a bunch of fights for no reason. A lot of guys have this “Fuck or fight” complex going on. They’re so sexually frustrated they have to take out their aggression another way. Are these guys worth your time? Fuck no. Why would you be giving your attention to dudes.. unless you want to fuck them.
Don’t even bother to notice them..
scan right over them. My buddies will tell me at some point.. “Damn dude.. there’s a lot of
sausage in this place!” And I’ll look around, and notice, “Oh yeah.. there are a lot of guys
here..” But I hadn’t noticed them before.. I was looking at her – they didn’t come up on my radar. They weren’t important enough for me to notice them. Realize the importance of that.. Look for the good shit.. not the bad shit.
If someone’s giving you shit, or trying to project a frame onto you that you don’t want.. you probably don’t want to make steady eye contact with them, ‘cuz you’re bringing yourself down to their level, you’re communicating with them through your eye contact- they know they hold your attention, and that their bullshit.. actually means something to you. If someone is giving you crap, don’t maintain steady eye contact with them, if you don’t accept it as part of your reality, then the natural response of a cool guy, would be to find something cooler to look at and pay attention to.
I was at a bar one time.. I’d made this girl mad somehow- I have no idea how. I remember that she was pissed off over something really silly. Anyways she gets in my face and starts trying to lecture me, how much of an asshole I am- blah blah. So I’m looking at her, like she’s a scientific specimen or something.. and then I just kinda.. lazy-eye it over her left shoulder, and start looking at something else. She looks at me, pauses for a second.. and then starts crying. It was just such a powerful dismissal of her.. and her bullshit, she just couldn’t take it. Her friend had to carry her off the dance floor. Now I’m not about making a girl cry.. even though I think they’re kinda cute when they do.. I’m just emphasizing how important how you direct your attention is.
Your eye contact is your focus of attention. Give it to that which matters to you.. that which you allow into your reality.. and take it away from that which you don’t want to accept.
5. Just. Be. Relaxed.
I had a guy ask me about body language and eye contact. He said he thought about them so
much that he’d be tense all the time- trying to maintain alpha dominant body language. It’d get
so bad he’d be afraid to breathe! What the hell..
Realize guys.. alpha dominant body language and subcommunication- is not about being a
hard ass.. what’s the point of that? It’s about being relaxed, and having a good time. That’s
what life is about. An Alpha guy is a guy who has his shit together. Why would an alpha dude..
concern himself, with acting hard all the time.
Does that make sense? It’s not even enjoyable. Alpha guys enjoy life more than other guys..
B. What this means: what you communicate
a. A lot of you guys think.. “Oh I can just sit back here.. pullin’ some strings, working game like
it’s “magic”, and get her to act completely on her own so she just randomly jumps my bones
and tells me to fuck her brains out”- or just takes your pants off.
Hell no. You will be on
display. This is not about sitting back behind the scenes Projecting personality! and self-
“This is not about you being comfortable, you remaining “safe”, in your comfort zone, while
you somehow convince a girl to act like a slut for you. This isn’t magic- stop being a vagina. You will be leading- you will not sit back behind your little social shield, away from public eye
When you can control your own frame, and get comfortable being able to communicate correctly nonverbally.. you’ll just be more relaxed. Because people judge your communication on the context of who they think you are. Your mind will come up with witty things, your mind just opens up when you know it will be well-received. Everyone has a sense of humor.. everyone has a sexual side.. it is just a matter of being comfortable enough to let it out.
You guys are getting the whole “be unreactive” thing, confused. You are unreactive when shit happens, or when someone’s trying to project a negative frame onto you.
When you’re socializing and projecting this seems almost counterintuitive.. aren’t you trying to get a reaction? Aren’t we “running game”? We are actively looking for compliance cues from females and even males- so how can we not care.
A more helpful framing of this concept would be to say that when you speak, sound and look like you expect a good reaction- that you want people to hear what you have to say, more than just trying to get people’s attention- your mannerism demands it. You project it for all to hear with a carefree attitude. This is what a high-status person sounds and looks like.
You’ll be able to walk into a room- and draw attention to yourself- be able to dominate the attention of those watching- attracting attention to yourself, and actually entertain them just by the way you talk and how much fun you’re having.,
4. You won’t worry what others are doing or thinking.. you won’t have to worry about people
treating you right or being fake or not.. your frame will be strong that it doesn’t matter what..
they do. “He’s a liar…? Ok.. well I’m doing my thing- I don’t care.”
But you won’t even have to worry about this- because coming from your own frame- being able
to communicate effectively- brings out the positive in people. They don’t want to show you
4. Don’t amog your boss- you aren’t betaed, you don’t lose your value- just because this guy has
a different role from you.
5. Anything can be given a sexual twist to it. Anything. You don’t need to be creative to be
sexual! You just need to adopt the subcommunication, the gazing eye contact, the lower voice, the change-up in tonality. All these subtly communicate to her that “the game is afoot.” She might not even be aware of it.. but at some level she realizes it.
Direct vs. Indirect- based on all this- let me give you my perspective on:
a. Remember what you’ve always heard.. “It’s not what you say.. it’s how you say it.” So what
does this mean.. You can walk up to a girl, completely casual, “Hey.. can you tell me how to
get.. how to get to Sesame St..?” or.. “Hey.. you’re attractive and you turn me on.. I just had
to meet you.” Can you see how absolutely similar they are..
1. Initial contact. Say a guy walks up to a girl.. says “Hey who lies more.. men or women.” Where is he at on the escalation ladder..? He’s at the bottom basically. He’ll have to “work” for the phone number, the kiss, the kino.. he’ll still have to prove to her that he’s a nonjudgmental dude, that she can act free and sexual with him, and he’ll still have to show how strong his frame is.
Now you all are guys.. you all have aggressive, assertive, dominant qualities and urges. With everything I’ve been talking about up until now- When you own your own frame.. when you know how to communicate and hold attention. You become very relaxed and self-expressive.. you begin to act more on these male tendencies, you start being able to project them more, and influence women to respond to them.
1. Authority- Walk up like this.. You ARE the social context! Project your authority/frame/desire!
Not only does she
know you are nonjudgmental about her sexual side.. but that you expect it! She’s not worried
about what Bobbi Sue and Judy Jones over there are thinking.. she’s thinking about what
you’re thinking of her. Society doesn’t exist anymore.. you do.
This isn’t.. “tricking her..” This is what a real man is! This is what a girl wants.. She wants a guy who is his own sphere of
You don’t ask for her number..! You take it. (show how you do it..)
Walk into a party.. “I shaved my balls for this..?” Everybody’s like.. “uh oh.. who is this guy. FUCK it’s the party police- gotta impress..” “Damn.. this gangbang is off to a slow start..”
You choose where to set the interaction at. Women are completely flexible to the frame you project. If you act strong enough about it, they will fully take your word for it.
2. Sexual Projection
a. Take responsibility for the sexual interaction- lead!
b. YOU choose what level to start the interaction at- what cues she is to follow. YOU..
do you know what that means. She might fight it a little bit- not being used to it. Keep at it.
If you come at her all normal- then you’ll be
“gaming” her for everything. You’ll be starting from scratch. Her phone number,
physical contact, her body.. it will
c. How you stand- how you look. Look up and down, give her the narrowed eyes and the half-
smile. Form the words.. pause.. and then say them.
a. It’s more than realizing she’s listening to me and building off the thread I start, it’s listening
for her tonal responsiveness to my reality. When she’s accepted my frame and is being
influenced by it, I know I can proceed.
3. No concern for “social norms” or what is “nice” or “acceptable”
a. It is all bullshit. They only want to see that your reality allows them to be little sluts.
b. my identity is that of a guy who is just that kind of dude.. it is my reality. I give and receive
sexual attention from females. I make girls comfortable talking about and expressing their
4. Cutting threads- making it her emotional baseline. “Well first I was going to have you suck my
dick, then we’d discuss maybe watching a movie.” To you guys it’s probably real shocking- to
her it’s going to be the same thing because it shocks you..
You keep on like it is normal for you.. so important.
b. You will be with a girl and havin’ a great time- shit’s good, but you’re just not getting
a sexual reaction! Nothing to work off of. Nothing to tell you that she’s ready or
1. This works.. on the hottest bitches. Period
2. Biting crotch.
3. Putting on uniform in morning..
2. “You know what’s hot… Me.” 😎
3. You’ve been kickin’ it with her- the intimacy is there- you just haven’t done it yet. You
see her standing off by herself or with a friend.. walk up to her pull her in and kiss her.
4. Example of setting it off right from the beginning.. “Why are we talking.. we should be
5. “well I might be going to Korea soon, but right now.. I’m going in your mouth.”
6. “I’m not having sex with you until you tell me your name..” Ok..
7. Lift up her panties, look up into her eyes.. “Nice panties..” … “You’re going to
buy me a drink right..?” Dude buy her a fucking drink.. she
knows she’s going to fuck you. She’s just trying to maintain some value in her
own mind. Don’t bust out the “What..? How ‘bout you buy me a drink..”
That’s ruining shit.
8. Bouncer at lingerie party.. you guys ever told people to take their clothes off in public..?
9. Those around you will sometimes be fully conscious of what’s going on. Just act like
nothing’s wrong. “This your beer..?” “Yeeaaah..!” (handjob)
10. Amoging her friend right off the bat.. “I don’t want to meet your friend..”
11. Sit-down claw, headlock to a full-noogie. Push her away. Moving through the club-
moving a girl out of your way.
12. Buddy saying, “Are we gonna fuck..? or what. ‘Cuz yer just drinking my beer right
12. Coming across unsmooth- making “natural” mistakes
13. “You’re horny..”
6. Busting your dick out in front of a chick.. not a big deal. A girl’s not gonna tell anyone. But I
think it is a big dividing line- between dudes who can do this stuff, and those that can’t. I
remember the first time I busted mine out, in front of 15 or 16 people, guys ‘n girls.. I was..
8 years old.
6. Videotaping- easiest thing in the world. Holy shit. Just do it and act normal. “Don’t touch my
phone.” “Whoah.. babe. Don’t touch my phone.”
Realize something guys.. This isn’t her thinking it’s weird. It’s you guys! If you guys act
normal.. like this is your everyday reality- shit she won’t have a problem with it. Her emotional
reasoning is obviously already there.. she’s sucking your fucking dick dude.
A. Social dynamics exists everywhere. Unreactivity exists everywhere
B. Gaming everyone- consistent in your communication.
a. Gaming grandmothers, little children, cashiers, secretaries
1. Mom at target- balls in cart, cashier watching,
C. Your buddy owning- so why can’t you.
a. You can. Consistency. Feed off each other. His vibe is your vibe. Become part of
each other’s energy flow.
1. Story about Gummeson
D. Arguing with women- Three aspects- 1. validating your dominant frame. 2. competitive
nature of the pick-up 3. a combative woman who is a hater
a. You do NOT need a woman to validate your dominant frame, or even recognize it. You
don’t. She’s going to be more attracted to the idea that you don’t need her to be submissive- She can be a smart sassy ‘lil thing, and you are completely relaxed and comfortable with it, and are still dominant in yourself, and any business you need to handle. Do not be combative with them. Watching David D..
b. You guys create/introduce a competitive element into the pick-up. It becomes a matter
atmosphere with them. No need for it. She’ll want to give you her number.. very badly!
But she “can’t”.
c. Alright.. all of you guys, will at some point, find yourselves in a situation with a woman, who is
extremely combative with you..
The disconnect between what their logical mind (society) tells them to do.. and their
own emotional need- which is a huge dick in them.
c. Girls are.. girls. They aren’t meant- or even enough to bring out my dominant side. But my
vibe communicates that I handle my shit. They know it.. but they won’t have to experience it
themselves. This is what they want. They might even try their best to rile us up- get us
emotionally invested in some stupid argument with them, or start accusing us of not being
a man over some stuff that doesn’t even make sense. But they still said it.. what are you
going to do?
a. Nobody fucks you guys up more.. they fuck with your emotions. You can be having a good
time- your dad feels like shitting on you- and you get all antsy over it. Dude he’s just like
anyone else.. don’t feed into his negative bullshit.
b. You are not negotiating. Weak ass frame when you make it seem like you are asking them
for permission. Much stronger when you are instructing- and they are the ones who have to
convince you. If you ask for permission they’re going to say no. Expect them to come to
you and explain why you can’t do something.
c. I need to convince you, so I can go..
d. “You’re not the same little boy anymore..!” “Goood bitch..! Do you still want to be changing my diapers..?” I actually used to feel guilty about this.
e. Move awaaaay to college. Take action in your own life