Open/Poly Relationships & Dating/Sexin' Other Women Difficulties
Long time no see.
I have a question for you guys about being in open/poly relationships and your experience dating in that dynamic – I unfortunately don’t expect many people to have much input as it seems that it’s not a very popular relationship orientation, however, I thought I’d ask nonetheless. But first – a little background might be of help (TLDR at the end).
Since my last post a year or two ago, I have met and had an incredible relationship with a lovely & very pretty polyamorous sex worker. I’ve seen and experienced an insane amount of stuff as a result, and it’s been a crazy journey. At first we started seeing each other quite casually, didn’t live together, and still very much had our own independent lives. She would do her own thing and see who she was seeing, and I did the same. As time went on, we developed very strong feelings for each other, and were hanging out constantly. After about a year of seeing each other, we eventually moved in together as my roommate who I’ve been living with downtown (very $ rent) eventually moved out of the city, and my now girlfriend wanted to move away from her roommate, as it wasn’t working out between them. I ended up moving into her apartment once my roommate moved out of the city, as my girlfriend’s roommate at the time decided to move out and give us the apartment to live in together. We were constantly hanging out (every weekend, basically) and multiple times during the weekday as well – it just made perfect sense to move in together logistically (and financially it worked out super well too).
For a very large portion of our relationship together, I truthfully wasn’t even interested in seeing other women. I was so involved with her, and had very little desire to fuck anyone else. I was super satisfied and fulfilled by her. Now and again I’d hook up with some of her friends, and we’d host play parties and I’d hook up with girls there, however, it wasn’t all that frequent. Maybe once every couple/few months. She’d be constantly urging me to flirt with and fuck other women (as it really turned her on) – and even then – given the ENCOURAGEMENT and green light to do so – I didn’t have any desire to at the time.
Fast forward to now – and a very long story short – I’ve been feeling myself desiring other women to fuck outside of my girlfriend, which is great and everything and my girlfriend really wants – however – the issue and the reason for my question is – I’ve been finding it *extremely* difficult to meet women who are okay and comfortable with my current relationship. What I failed to understand at the time when my girlfriend encouraged me to flirt/fuck other women was (as I wasn’t doing it) – she wanted me to do so with women who acknowledged and respected the fact that I am in a relationship with her, albeit open/’poly’. And it has been an uphill battle as a result, lol.
The issue is – the open/poly community is so very small compared to the general population. Sure, we go to events and parties where virtually everyone there is open/poly – but it’s very often the same people, not too many new faces, and I just feel like my options are so god damn limited now that I’m actually trying to meet other women. What also doesn’t help is the fact that I find most people who are ethically open/poly just aren’t that attractive.. sure, there’s some stunners for sure. But the vast majority of people in that community just aren’t particularly attractive, which is a big no go for me, lol.
I’ve tried gearing my online dating profiles in such a way that I’m at least telling women up front my situation without being too specific, and my matches/options have almost entirely dried up. I never had that in my profile initially; however, I found that 99% of women once they learned my situation just weren’t down – so I ended up putting some of this info in my profile to screen out those who were absolutely against the idea entirely to save everyone some time. What I’ve so far found is that my current situation is just too awkward/foreign for 99% of women and they aren’t willing to pursue anything with me, however casual/serious they wanted things. Even when they state they WANT something super casual and easy going with no commitment, once I put even a couple of my cards on the table, they just retreat and don’t want to pursue anything with me. Again, even with minimal information, it feels as though women just ARE NOT okay with the situation. It’s super fucking frustrating. And oddly enough, what I’ve found in the past is, when I was not living with my girlfriend – I’d be hooking up with tons of different women, and when I eventually told them I was beginning to see someone more seriously, THEY WERE OKAY WITH THAT AND CONTINUED TO SEE ME. But now that they have that info upfront, it seems like all my options have dried the fuck up.
I’m finding women, even if they want something casual, really deep down want to know there is at least the POSSIBILITY that it could turn into some sort of relationship if they really got along with me – but knowing I’m in an open/poly dynamic with a girl already, just dashes that hope in their mind of it turning into something more serious if they wanted it to – at least that’s what I think is happening from my experience. As a result – they just disengage. I’ve even had a woman TELL me, who was visiting from London, that even though she was only in town for a couple weeks and wanted something casual/NSA – that she didn’t want to do that with me because she “didn’t feel special” know I love someone else. And she TOLD me how REDICULOUS that is, knowing it full well herself. However, she still felt the way she did, and ended up disengaging with me. Like how fucking bonkers is that lol.
My girlfriend is currently really not comfortable with the idea of me bringing women home who have no knowledge of our relationship, which is where this issue is stemming from. If I could, this would be an absolute nonissue. However, given that we are in this relationship style, she wants me to be upfront and honest about our dynamic, out of respect for her, and for the other women. She doesn't want me lying to women/lying by omission of information. And I can definitely understand that and where she is coming from. I don't entirely agree with it (as a lot of women DO just want one night stands/to have NSA fun, but mentally/emotionally they are triggered/can't accept the fact that there is another women more important than them to me in my life, so why trigger that in them if they just want casual fun), but I wanted to respect that and see if there's a way I can make this work/meet in the middle. We’re slowly having talks of relaxing that ‘rule’ – as she knows I’m really struggling to meet other women, and it’s getting to the point that I’m second guessing being in this relationship because I feel super sexually frustrated, but that hasn’t happened yet. I’m really trying to explore every option possible before ending the relationship or moving into a new apartment by myself, as I really do love this girl, and we are great together – but I just can’t give up my sexual freedom long term. I’ve tried to in the past, and it just doesn't work for me.
So the question is – and again, I realize this probably isn’t the best forum/place to ask here – do any of you have experience dating/fucking other women while in an open/poly relationship and being HONEST about it? Have you found any particular way to work around this issue I am experiencing which I’ve detailed above ?
I realize a lot of guys would just sneak around/fuck around their girlfriends’ backs and lie about things to them, however, a) I don’t want to be LIEING to the person I’m involved with and care deeply about – I really want to make an honest effort in this relationship style and see if it’s something that I could make work long-term and have my own needs fulfilled along the way, and b) even if I did, we LIVE together. She would know and quickly learn if I were doing anything “shady” behind her back, very, very quickly.
Appreciate any and all input on the topic.
Thanks guys. <3
Have you explained to your gf that being this up front has been essentially precluding you from seeing other women in practice?
Bruh, I thought when you signed up for training you checked the box [ ] next to the line "I do not fall for magic spells"
Hold up let me check the scrolls..
Do you understand the point I'm trying to make?
Aequitas: Thanks for the response. I have explained this to her, and at first she was quite unsympathetic, however, has since warmed up to the fact that it is definitely precluding me from seeing other women, and we are in the beginning stages of relaxing this “requirement” of full transparency, especially since what I’m desiring is one night stands/short term dating with these women – I’m not going to be “stringing them along” and keeping them/my relationship a “dirty little secret”. Having said that, I have agreed to her request that I would give some adaptation to meeting like-minded people and women who are comfortable with the situation a serious, honest effort before she allows me to take the alternative path of omitting information and being less upfront – hence my post and question here !
MW: I think I know what you might be saying, though I’m not certain. I would really appreciate some more clarity/detail from you if you’re willing to indulge me. You seem displeased with my situation lol.
Apologies for the long delays in between messages. Work is insane and my girl is quite unwell at the moment, and so between it all I’m left with not a ton of time to respond. Still checking regularly though.
Always appreciating your guys’ time and energy.
Really dude? It's a fucking magic spell cockblocker. Didn't you go to college? This is absurd.
So you tell girls you're in an open relationship, and they go, "Ew." She tells guys she's in an open relationship, and they go, "Fuck yeah."
You see? You got duped.
Does she make you wear a bell around the house? Do you shit in a sandbox she keeps in the bathroom?
P.S. A sex worker? What? What the fuck?
Btw yeah I've never been a fan of any poly community I've yet seen. Never really partook at all. I'm more the instigator type ;)
A magic spell cockblocker. Ahahahaha - that one got me :'D But yeah, I figured that's what you were going to say. And I don't disagree. For most men, it’s like winning the jackpot meeting a woman in that scenario – and for most women – well, quite the opposite so far from experience.
However, like I said in my initial post – first, I am well aware of the magic cockblockery properties of the situation and that it does in fact dry up the vast majority of my options - and second, I have already communicated to her (and most importantly myself) the reality of this circumstance, which is I’m going to give this an honest effort and try to see if I can find a way to make it work (hence me posting here), and if I can’t find a satisfying/fulfilling way of meeting new women of my choosing and having the experiences I desire - one of two things will happen; either she becomes cool with me conducting myself how I want to on my own terms, or else I will have to move out and date her casually/not at all if she cannot become comfortable with a new dynamic that I require.
In fairness to her – it’s not like she’s meeting/fucking other dudes with any regularity, at all. She sees one other person once every one to two weeks give or take (the same person), and another person once every couple/few months when he visits from another country. Before we moved in together, I was seeing 4/5 different women. I’m the one who wants newness and variety, not her. At all. So it’s not like I’m sitting here with my dick in my hand as she’s living it up and meeting all the men/women she wants to. If it were the case that she was meeting all sorts of new people and she left me struggling to given the current relationship “boundaries”, I would not be here asking for your input – I would’ve rectified that situation immediately.
From talking to her, her reservations are coming from a place of insecurity/fear of me meeting someone behind her back and then developing feelings for them and emotionally “cheating” on her/dropping her for someone else new – her request for me to meet/fuck other girls in a more “transparent”/honest way is to quell these fears of hers and ensure other women are respectful of our relationship so they don’t try and sabotage her and my relationship. Even better understanding this now, this still doesn’t make her requests acceptable/valid if it’s encroaching on my desired life experiences.
In any case, I came here to see if anyone had experience in open/poly relationships and how they conduct themselves in such a dynamic, and more specifically in live-in open relationships, but as I presumed, unfortunately doesn’t seem like people have much direct experience/input on the situation. Womp womp..
And yeah – I mean the poly community is kind of cool in theory, but from my own experience when the rubber hits the road/meeting so many other open/poly couples out there – it seems to mostly benefit women and men who otherwise don’t have the social skills/game to meet women in the first place. If you have the social skills/game to meet a lot of women, poly/open dynamics and the rules/boundaries/agreements tend to handicap you more than anything, unfortunately.
Ok dude, womp womp. Go have fun with your landlord