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Negotiating Like Your Life Depends On It: Never Split The Difference

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Buddhagames's picture
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Joined: 01/31/2012

Okay this is the best book hands down I've read in the past year. 

Its written by the guy who for over twenty years was the FBI's HEAD international crisis and hostage negotiator. So, for him to be successful in negotiating he had to get EVERYTHING he asked for. In hostage negotiations there is no "splitting the difference".

He went to a Harvard b school class on negotiating to learn and when they paired him up with the "brilliant" minds there he ended up absolutely CRUSHING these guys which made him aware of how his completely "Out There" style of negotiating (which ended up being the only successfulnhostage negotiation tactic the FBI ever discovered) was just flat out better than everything these Harvard business guys were doing.

Its an approach almost 100% based on emotional IQ and getting to "No" quickly. Whereas the Harvard approach is all about logical traps and getting to "Yes" The last thing you want to hear is "Yes" or "Your Right". Instead you want to "No" and "That's right". The difference is subtle but massive. "Your Right" means the other individual simply understands logically that what you are saying is correct but this never results in actionable change or results. "That's Right" indicates that the individual is having an epiphany and truly feels like they have been heard.

Its based around verbal (not physical bc a lot of times you aren't face to face with the person you're negotiating with) mirroring, getting to "no", summarizing, emotional labeling, silence and 3 types of vocal tones: playful/carefree, "Late Night FM DJ voice" and stern/commanding (The majority of the negotiating should be in the playful/carefree voice).

Getting to a "No" makes people feel safe and in control. Once people say no, a lot of times that then gives them that sense of safety from where they will more logically assess the situation and often times come back with a re-assessed opinion. 

Its re the most practical book on negotiation I've ever read and from a guy who clearly knows his shit and has done some pretty bad ass stuff in his lifetime. 

Take a look

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Buddhagames's picture
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Joined: 01/31/2012
I've already started to try

I've already started to try some of this out and like the guy says in the book, it's awkward as fuck when you first start trying to do some of this stuff and it's not easy.

like finding the right way to summarize what they said in order to get them to say "That's right" , as well as simaltaneously identifying and then labeling the emotion they are feeling is not easy to do right out of the gates. And that's only like two components. Add in the mirroring (basically just repeating back the last 3 words the person said) and this stuff takes time to internalize but it's such a game changer. 

For example, what's so powerful about mirroring is that people will ALWAYS clarify themselves. here's an example:

Boss: "i need two copies of that document"

me: "sorry, two copies of the document?"

Boss: "yeah one for the customer and one for us"

boom- now you more deeply understand what's being asked

Me: "did the customer ask for a copy?"

etx etc. but that's just a small example of how mirroring allows you to always get more clarification and information without sounding like a dick or triggering that frustration reflex 

__________________

It's Just Something You Have To Do If You Want To Be Great- Manwhore

"Apart from the pulling and hauling stands what I am, Stands amused, complacent, compassionating, idle, unitary, Looks down, is erect, or bends an arm on an impalpable certain rest, Looking with side-curved head curious what will come next, Both in and out of the game and watching and wondering at it."

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Joined: 05/20/2018
Wow great find. Thank you

Wow great find. Thank you buddhagames.

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Joined: 01/18/2012
I checked out the audiobook

I checked out the audiobook for a couple hours but got slightly bored with it :\ The initial Harvard story I thought was weak af. 

did appreciate hearing about the interactions with his coworkers and bosses, ha! The way he got that promotion (if I'm remembering correctly) was pretty slick. 

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Buddhagames's picture
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Joined: 01/31/2012
The majority of the book is

The majority of the book is actual tactics you can use and how to use them. That's what I liked about it. It was like concrete stuff you could use today. 

I think the stories are just used to introduce different topics.

I didn't find it boring kinda the opposite but could see how it might be boring if it's something you already know how to do 

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It's Just Something You Have To Do If You Want To Be Great- Manwhore

"Apart from the pulling and hauling stands what I am, Stands amused, complacent, compassionating, idle, unitary, Looks down, is erect, or bends an arm on an impalpable certain rest, Looking with side-curved head curious what will come next, Both in and out of the game and watching and wondering at it."